Monday, November 21, 2011

Wish

Wishes are not made in a noticeable intentional 'want to' moment but in a moment(s) of complete honesty with one's self. The self that is omnipresent aligns resources for creation.

And 'I' dont know that 'I' dont know I made that wish and started creating it.

Friday, September 30, 2011

unformed forms

Sights aplenty..insights even more. Confirmations of vague ideas concreted and unbeknownst unawares making connections with others and building.

Building much like how it may have started, with vague unsure-sure steps, getting surer from within via inputs unawares of being looked for. The pseudopods of ideas brought forth on pathways predestined and/or preassessed/preplanned and/or foreseen and predetermined unconsciously-consciously.

Labelled 'realities' offering material self-contradictory, amusing, confounding, triggering. Small things getting ridiculously big, and big getting convictionably illusionary.

Easier to break free, and easier still to toss it all away. Just that little question needs answering - is it worth it?

Monday, September 12, 2011

Constantly unconstant!


Surmising again...in characteristic steam, vapor countered by logical reason style. sigh

Why is it important that I belong and be one amongst? each one is uniquely placed owing to their own set of conditioners and their place in the system..unique so that no one can fully replace another..because there is just one 'you'. then why this mad rush to belong...belong in what sense? dress? ..it is already different because it was chosen by a different you at a different time frame/state of mind/mood...it is a different you who picked it from teh shop..a different you who looked into the mirror..a different you after you wore it..a different you who stepped out of the house....a different you facing a different situation, different set of other 'you's' interacting in the altered spaces owing to the difference in the 'yous' at different point. it is all brand new moment to moment...belong to what?

a defiant refusal to be pegged and 'lided'. pegging and lidding an element that is by nature dynamic and constantly getting shaped according to the circumstances/flavors/prevalent thoughts/weather/..subject to change by the slightest whiff of a wind at an inopportune moment..a meaning making machine that churns out meanings even when there is no reason to do that..sitting right in the headbox churning out meanings...that element is to be pegged and lidded??!! a myth of the atomic age perhaps!

Friday, August 26, 2011

Sounds..

It is very nice to hear the noises that happen when there are moving parts...certainly not intentional, and mostly unavoidable...and perhaps that is what makes it worth listening to. Very reassuring. Mechanical they may be, but there is something unpretentious about them.

Got the same peace when watching the waves crash on the seashore. Noise it may be but there is something about that natural sound, unintentional, inseparable from the movement itself, and happening because of the movement, the sound being an integral part of the movement. Donno of others but I thought I could go into deep meditation with just the sound of it listened to uninterrupted. It was difficult to walk off from the shore without some internal process completing..and when i finally did, something was complete within me...and a lot of pieces had fallen into place.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Reaching out (or is it within?)

Strength to hold on to that which strengths, and to stand by the recognition of that which dissipates.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Rose is a rose is a rose-

There is benefit in movement as well as in standing still. Neither benefits are worth being compensated by anything, nor replaced by apparent alternatives. A form is a form is a form. (read, Plato's Form)

Friday, July 1, 2011

To do ..or not to do.

Afraid of knowing what is making things happen, and afraider to come to know that it is sometning within me (avoiding responsibility for being at the source of things...afraid of being held accountable to cause it again)..afraid of losing it by false distinction (dissection)..losing things by misinterpretation and overanalysis...it is part of the machine makeup..dna like??...if it is worth discovering it will get found...in integrity with the inquiry for the loop is incomplete without the screw being discovered sooner or later. Stopping oneself for fear of losing it is putting the brake on things and losing any chance of discovery at all. much to lose from stopping than from not finding that one causative agent. Do it anyways.

Insights (duh)

Nothing is invalid. There is nothing called nonsense.

Ranges - the minus 0, maybe minus 10 to maybe plus 10, within the range is taken into account the defining lines, the wider the range, the more defined the d.lines.
Feel like an octopus with magnetic tentacles.

A disadvantage of knowledge is possible lack of spontaneity and prejudice precluding the range of first-impressionables.

Experience and knowledge - where is the bridge between the two learning systems?

When the expectations are not well defined, the brain goes really weird trying to figure out the expectations, maybe even covering bases which would never have been possibly cohjured otherwise; call it being on redalert. Uncertainty unlocks something.

Weird us (humans)..

As people, we are weird. We laugh when we want to cry, we show anger when it is meant to be love, we derile when it is appreciation, we laugh when embarrased, ...say we when it is I. Safety in group than to be singled. Prefer to be invisible but rant and rave about wanting individual voice be heard. Those that do shake off the mediocrity and pseudosecurity of groups is still left to deal with what it means to stand alone, juggling want to stand for an ideal vs seeking the support (??) available (??) in groups. No one really knows the 'right' thing. To each his own truth. To each his own prime directive. Stood by undetered, the measly spineless thread of thought leads to nirvana. Strength comes from constant exercise of it, from research, from inquiry and openess to test and be tested. It is a choice of how one wants to live ones life. It is about character.

On selfishness..

While everyone ultimately does things for their own benefit, and everything is for a very selfish reason, why is it difficult to admit that it is so? Why is being selfish defaulted into the 'bad' basket? Upbringing? indoctrination of presumed/imbibed morality? misplaced loyalty? misunderstood value system? kafkaisc existential confusion leading to seek guidance from sources external, and thereby external sources' own selfishness dictating/propagating that others (themselves) is more important than oneself (you)? a Darwinian survival tactic propagated by the dominant, creating a hierarchy that ensures survival of fittest propagator in that order? a reliance on sensory input sans insight in interpreting whatever happens in the world outside oneself? blind acceptance(reception) of things without awareness of that accepted?

Gift of speech..

Wording defines, crystalizes, and allows for sequencing a line of thought. Medium of expression similarly 'freezes' a feeling/thought/sensation/experience, wherever be it in within the +/-0-10+/- range of the 5-sense system of receptiveness.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Dualities (2)

Teaching and learning - no duality there. Just awareness, distinction of constituents/compositions. Teaching is learning.

Life does not have parts. Office is not part of my life. Friends, family, hobbies, goals, personas/personalities, people are not part of my life. They (It) is my life. They - sounds like many individual things, and together is much. Dont have many things to manage. Just one life. Simple and complex is somehow blurring its boundary lines.

Friday, June 24, 2011

On awareness, simplicity/complexity of things..

(A rambling wanting-to-make-sense-of-things writing that i saved up to read again ..in hopes of making more sense..or find deeper meanings. Thought better saved on this blog than somewhere else and then forgotten)

There is so much i get aware of these days, so much wonder evokes at what i see, hear, sense. It is as if i had never lived, just born in some way very recently. whatever happened in all these years? had i not seen, or what i see now was not at a level that my eye (internal and external) could see?

wonder whatever is distance then, if all there is is just here and now. distance from where? from when the color was recognized to when the form is recognized to recognizing (or is it just awareness more than recognition, where something that became awared is then seen again to be recognized?) that form is just an interpretation just as the color is, that what is is just what is, with a name given to it from the mind intervening and labeling, so have i covered a distance, when the first color became aware and now come to the same sense of there just being whatever it is, and a label. So is distinguishing things after having formed something that is the distance covered? the distance from the first awareness, to the full picture seen and then distinguished into constituent parts? Wonder in that sense if we really 'move', i.e. the baby gets aware of the world, and then learns to label things, and then form patterns and get it complex, until it is all caught up in its complexity that it figues things in its own way until it is very simple as an awareness, which is where it first was when it started. what difference now as an adult? any distance covered? still figuring out how to live, what purpose, what best way to be happy, to be free, creating and then wondering how to create, how to be stress-free?!!, how to have fun, money, power, status, fame, hardwork, strategy, ..and still wanting to have a fun while holding on to interpreted means to get the most simple things in life.  searching for it outside while all along its is right there where one is..only having to go the whole roller coster to discover that what is sought is right where one is. is there some manufactuiring defect that we are designed to see outside and go after things to discover what is right under ones nose? the whole circus of life to find what is right under ones nose! happiness, peace, fun, creativity, power, key to life-work-everything, the might and strength to rule the world,  to alter reality, have the world at ones command, all under ones own nose, but do the monkey , circus act to get them, be the donkey after the carrot, be pushed, beaten, dogged, hardworked, stress, strain, fatigue, suffering to get what is right under ones nose. manufacturing defect! The creator, if there is one who manufactures this whose puppet thing needs to add one additional feature in the model,.... cant think of a single thing that this puppet doesnt have, but still it goes round and round chasing its own tail.    Why cant we just be? is it because there is so many features, so many sophisticated tools that the simplest things cant be gotten? the system is go geared for complexity! right from the first unicellular organism starts the process of complexifying things, greater functionality, adaptation, multifunctionality to on and on...complexifying things. now it is the brain at it, complex games, multitasking, use of sense organs in complex ways, intuition to add to the complexifying machinary. getting the system to be so tense, intense, until the next species or organism or whatever evolves that makes all the high-end functionality of the previous one, child's play, and it starts its own means to make things complex at its level. there is really no point to fighting it. the system is designed for complexity. it is made from really simple things, all common simple things (elemental). What of these elements and in how many ways can one use? it is all mere creation.. all mere resources. child's play. the created becomes the creator..and onto complex things. the most complex things also have the same simple elements. There is enough to keep everyone, at every level entertained. It is really a master creche to have fun. Born to have fun. What games do you want to play? You win at whatever game u play, whatever, always. The world is really at ur feet and for ur taking.

Freedom of choice..

I just love ranges.... 0 to 10, least to max, base pitch to octaves, minus to extreme positive. They are dualities too, but they are ranges to be experienced, not quite understandable conceptually or gotten intellectually..needs to be experienced..i guess.

Stuck in rules and expectations (meet them...trying to meet them...or rebeling and so not meeting them, but nevertheless playing within the gammut of expectations and rules). Im stuck in them. Cant paint my own stuff, play whatever i may want to think of as music, write whatever i want, do whatever i want..without bumping against some preset/preconditioned expectations. It is like a default encoded something that just keeps going on and on, and if im not present to it, i could go on for days on end like a machine (no thought, no nothing)..like a machine..eat at a particyular time, sleep at a particular time, brush in morning, .everything has a preset time and slot....no need to think..it is so automaton-like. HAVE to wash up after eating, have to brush, have to ...everything. Unless i know what it is not to, and how it feels not to, it is not my choice at all, just a mechanical rut ingrained into me by upbringing (because someone asked me to do, but have no real clue except as a concept..and intellectualized..as to why i should. Not because i FEEL dirty and so, or because i am hungry,... not much is my choice but a handed down set of 'dos'). ....so the point is, i dont really know the range of things in an experiential domain. This may sound pretty dumb, but it seems like i dont really know how to be free.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Reminiscing..

The movie, King and I (1956), has a scene where the widow and her son, just off the ship to the King's place hums a song about whistling a happy tune whenever anxious, perturbed, or feeling unsettled, and that the happy tune will ease it all out. Much like the 'All izz well' of the 3 idiots. Just that somehow the music does it much faster than the 'all is well.'

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Missing..

That which is missing makes it's presence known by its absence.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

One

In the end they all seem to boil down to the same things, just different facets of the same thing(s)....and yes, as it is in the macrocosm, so it is in the microcosm.

Monday, June 13, 2011

untold misery..

Easy to emphathize with Helen Keller at times, and the want to find an express-way!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Acceptance..

Everyone, each and everyone, is a minority in themselves. Alone, unique in his/her own way and wanting (searching??) for more of the same kind, to feel a bond of acceptance, comradeship, of not having to fight to be oneself, to be cool doing the things accepted (even if by just one other person). Once that kernel of approval comes through, then it is a matter of time before the same action/expression is repeated and developed and overtime allowed to blossom into whatever it could possibly become (maybe larger than oneself, have a life of its own, and have a following with mimicers/critics/students, the whole works).

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Hello...whos listening??

Everyones talking...and no one is listening! So much noise....so much to hear, the din from it all is deafening...and no one is listening (dont want to listen in all the din??). Maybe there wouldnt be so much noise if there was enough listening.

Two ears and one mouth...maybe thats is not an accident from evolutionary symmetry of anatomy.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Random thoughts linked. Again, is random really so random? Maybe nothing is really 'nonsense.'

Can the moment be not savored in all its flavors, see the colors inherent, sense the depths, experience the width and space...savor the moment before choosing where to go next with peace right here and now and not to be sought at the end of it? Can it all not be gotten with velocity, the distance and the moments' fullness all as if in a flash, in toto...or the moment's fullness in toto in a flash even while speeding towards what needs be gotten to? If it is realms to be experienced to have access to the domain that creates realms, then velocity in the milestones, connections, and movements needs be consistent to do that which needs be done.

What if it all comes to that what needs be done is not out there but where i could get to? Would perfection that i resist then be gotten as an experience? what then? what lies beyond 'perfection'? Monotony is boring. is it then Jonathan's next world? Is it all gonna be experienced as an illusion? the limitation of the senses limiting what could be possible, creating the illusion of the limit? Will it all be experienced, as there being more than the senses? the - range of the senses and the whole range of unnamed/undiscovered senses? .. the things that brings everything together in a continous steam of consciousness? Would that be the other side of darkness ? (.)

Monday, May 30, 2011

On selfishness..

While everyone ultimately does things for their own benefit, and everything is for a very selfish reason, why is it difficult to admit that it is so? Why is being selfish defaulted into the 'bad' basket? Upbringing? indoctrination of presumed/imbibed morality? misplaced loyalty? misunderstood value system? kafkaisc existential confusion leading to seek guidance from sources external, and thereby external sources' own selfishness dictating/propagating that others (themselves) is more important than oneself (you)? a Darwinian survival tactic propagated by the dominant, creating a hierarchy that ensures survival of fittest propagator in that order? a reliance on sensory input sans insight in interpreting whatever happens in the world outside oneself? blind acceptance(reception) of things without awareness of that accepted?

Why express at all? This is why..

Wording defines, crystalizes, and allows for sequencing a line of thought. Medium of expression similarly 'freezes' a feeling/thought/sensation/experience, wherever be it in within the +/-0-10+/- range of the 5-sense system of receptiveness.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

just saying..

It is difficult to be sane amidst kafkaiscally insane happenings!

multipersoned??.... or multiheadable polymorphability...or just meristeming?

It is strange to be a child, adult and parent ...and a horde of people ... rolled up into one body. Not multiple personalities,...but more like multiple facets of a round crystal with whatever surface faces the light of consciousness (or unconsciousness) showing up that aspect (or person-type within me??). Seems like the thought lines which started off as compartmentalized thoughtlines, has now become character types by themselves (one compartment - one character/thought trait). ...its scary. I may be right now creating personas by defining the vague volatile thought line...literally creating worlds (people within my head) just by virtue of wording it.  Scatterbrained? With the "word creates the world' ideology (or is it just an idea? I dont think so...being the meaning-making machines we human beings are)...i dont think im scatterbrained anymore...just capable of scaring myself!

Friday, May 27, 2011

Sensing..

There is much happening in non-verbal communication! It is a whole world in itself. Silence is not so silent, that of course I 'understood' from 'Silence speaks louder than words' but did not quite get the stratas, colors, sounds, ..and I suspect a horde of unnamed somethings that perhaps I dont have the vocabulary for or dont know to categorize into the 5-sense system (if at all sensing can be put into a range of +/- 0 to +/-10 where - is the silence range and + being the labeled sense range). I sometimes suspect there are more sense organs than just 5. Maybe the 6th sense is the 'antenna,' the intuitive sensing system. There may be more, just not labeled, I guess. (Medical professionals are still researching on the body and discovering, or maybe they have touched upon other senses but just not 'text-booked' them yet)..speculations!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

On completion.

It feels good to have accomplished something. Its a sigh of relief, somethings got completed, the whats-next feeling, one thing less to think about, it is like the speed available from closing one window that was just one more amongst many others when the computer was getting slow from all the open windows.

So..onto the next one!

Monday, May 23, 2011

Lost and found..


Putting in the seed
                        Robert Frost

You come to fetch me from my work to-night
When supper's on the table, and we'll see
If I can leave off burying the white
Soft petals fallen from the apple tree
(Soft petals, yes, but not so barren quite,
Mingled with these, smooth bean and wrinkled pea);
And go along with you ere you lose sight
Of what you came for and become like me,
Slave to a Springtime passion for the earth.
How Love burns through the Putting in the Seed
On through the watching for that early birth
When, just as the soil tarnishes with weed,
The sturdy seedling with arched body comes
Shouldering its way and shedding the earth crumbs

************************************************************

Character 
                        R.W.Emerson
The sun set, but set not his hope:
Stars rose; his faith was earlier up:
Fixed on the enormous galaxy,
Deeper and older seemed his eye;
And matched his sufferance sublime
The taciturnity of time.
He spoke, and words more soft than rain
Brought the Age of Gold again:
His action won such reverence sweet
As hid all measure of the feat.

****************************************
Brahma 
                        R.W.Emerson
  If the red slayer think he slays,
Or if the slain think he is slain,
They know not well the subtle ways
I keep, and pass, and turn again.

Far or forgot to me is near;
Shadow and sunlight are the same;
The vanished gods to me appear;
And one to me are shame and fame.

They reckon ill who leave me out;
When me they fly, I am the wings;
I am the doubter and the doubt,
And I the hymn the Brahmin sings.

The strong gods pine for my abode,
And pine in vain the sacred Seven;
But thou, meek lover of the good!
Find me, and turn thy back on heaven

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Memories..

While waves of thought ebb and flow, memories vaguely remembered surface. They tantalize with a vague sound, a barely remembered image, or a word. Much like an interesting colored thread that invites following its length through a pattern of knit-work, it invites following its vein, to reexperience whatever it held that made it worth remembering.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Rain..

Waiting for the rain of change to come...to wash away the stagnation in nooks and crevices, to pitter-patter over smothered silences, frayed nerves, resigned dinginess. To spray its coolness on heated emotions and have its waters flow over parched unnaturality. To suffuse insides and outsides with its moist freshness, bathe and soothe Nature with its cleansing emolient. To gurgle merrily along gloomy pathways, make puddles where the 'prim and propah' hold themselves in rigid nerve-tensing sophistication. Remind life again of its unicellar origins so its primal roots connects back to its water-based origins and suck life into its veins and arteries and rejuvinate its being. Water - the elixir of life.

Spirited..

Little flashes of spirited life in unexpected places, faces. Age can never be guessed - seems like a joke by some fun-mongerer - a very old soul in a very young body, an old body with a heart that just forgot to grow up, an antenna for unique unheard of things in an otherwise zombie-like countenance, a rat that keeps hovering around shadows but scribbles profound things on little scraps of paper....

Little flashes of spirited 'life.' Somehow it peeks out at odd moments, and of late see it in just about everyone. If looked at long enough (human - any human!), there would be a little flash of something unusual, something more than fresh, donno to describe it yet...alive, spirited (repeating myself but my vocabulary feels so deficient,..again :-(





Thursday, May 19, 2011

Existensory angst..

First baby but not-so-baby step in creating a new reality. Anxiety, anticipation, trepidation, self-doubt, ..and a nameless other feelings coming up at random. Have I done the best possible thing? Have I made a wise choice? How is it all going to turn out to be? Will it be anything like expected? Will I realize the intentions? Will it all be constructive? Will I be a better person? Quality of life? Will I be able to make a difference? Will the baggage be lighter? Will there be velocity? Harmony?

How am I faring thus far? Is there some compass? If so, how does one always work with the compass when there are so many 'guiding' thought lines around? Will there be moments of total clarity and sustained long enough to have velocity in realizing intentions? What would it take to maintain momentum?

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Currents..

Is it just my imagination that when one mode of exploration begins, it gravitates the explorer into further exploring it, depending on the intensity of the inquiry? Like when im repelling words and wanting to know whats in between words, the things in between seem to speak louder, making me want to repel words even more...and if i touch upon the worded 'current', the current pulls forth more words, and silences the silences. My imagination this? Donno...but they seem to be strong currents nevertheless.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Trust..

"I dont trust you and am suspicious of everything you do that is somehow connected to me/what i do" - an instinctive, on-alert-for system that is programmed to start a response/chain of responses consistent with the level of 'alarm' bells that go off when respective criterias are met with for the specific alarm to go off.

Suspicion - Iv been pretty resistant of this. Unthinkingly bracketed it off as 'bad' quality, that it poisons existing systems and breeds all those negative emotions that ultimately kills whatever is beautiful, or so i thought. On thinking of negative vs positive at various times, I am now quite convinced that negative is just the absence of positive, rather like the other end of a scale like 0 to 10 where 0 is 'less' and 10 is 'most'. However I rate my response to something on the scale, I am still connected to the 'thing' by my being ratable on the scale. Indifference is the only thing that frees/detaches me from the whole thing. Coming to the current topic, suspicion then is not 'bad,' but the absence of something. Maybe my system is telling me something that i blatantly ignore because I have put the whole alarm into the 'bad' basket, and as long as i ignore what my system is telling me, i will never be able to see what i am missing and so never quite able to 'trust' - that one thing that allows for acceptance and connectedness and 'tenselessness' and maybe to just 'be/let be.'

(ah! how many lines of thought have i touched upon just in this one paragraph and vaguely made a point but still left so much unsaid and to be thought about! ..and thats just being my quirky dear self)

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Strange tidings..

Deafening silence with words for if not the silence will be so loud that anything weaker will fall apart. Within the world filled with words is another which needs no words for exploration and it needs a strong force of silence to pierce the shield...shielded by a constantly plying words perhaps.

On defiance..

Defiance is not anybody's veted power (?). Every body exercise it within the limits of their own cages, in subtle or not so subtle ways. If only that spark can be recognized, not by the cage imposer but by the liberator or fellow liberation seeker (?), that comradeship is enough to alter reality. Does it really require fellowmen? Will it suffice, like the scripturally religious believe in an omnipresent invisible god, to believe there to be a platoon of fellow men or an everpresent change-catalyzing something egging to bring about the change and hence keeping the sacred flame of defiance alive?

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Offended..

U can tell underlying currents. You can tell a spy. You can tell a vigilence. It is in the slices. Hate them nevertheless. They do not really know nevertheless.

Drops of wisdom..

The river is formed from brooks, rivulets, and stream from far and near. Now having become the river, does it matter which drop came from which rivulet? Having now formed the river, does the drop not now have the essense of the rivulet and hence does the drop be any less than another or more?

On authenticity..

It is always a pleasure to watch someone genuinely inquiring/exploring a line of thought or whatever. Authenticity has its own innocent beguiling simplicity - easy to connect with, be one with more than just empathize. Perhaps those are moments when the brain forgets to judge and evaluate, and find it easy to just experience. Is authenticity a quality more centered in the right brain, i wonder.

Feldenkrais

FeldonKrais - one another vein of thought that proceeds from getting in touch with the baby-ness in each that learned ways to move with available/realized resources in the new space it found itself that people call Earth. Again, along with it, comes the hint of something that is not apparent but everpresent that holds it all in place. Got just a sense of it while the session lasted - just a tantalizing sense of liberty, of self-sufficiency yet with connectedness and of unlimited everexpandable space - just a hint, and then the instruction/suggestion that that is to be explored, 'be in the inquiry.' While one part of me seeks answers (ready made answers, maybe, the lazy bum that i am) and the other that acts up with 'you dont tell me what to do' in defiance of being treated like an idiot!

Inquiry is a nice space to be in...it kinda strikes the balance between the two frictionables with creating just enough charge to keep me inquisitive. Velocity would be nice! (God give me patience..and I WANT IT NOW!)

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Out of it!

On off. Is there, is not there. Available, not available. Clear, unclear. Blaah. Im just gonna do my own thing. Let the world sort itself!

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Renaissance..?

Wonder if there is a small trickle of life moving from small crevices - life shaking free from its artificial habitats, moving unnoticed but every so often at unexpected moments in little spurts making revealing its presence, in a little defiance? in playful glee? in spunk of its own nature? Wonder if this trickle is also forming a brook somewhere just as unnoticed...if maybe a renaissance is in the coming...a renaissance of life reasserting itself.

Response..

I have been cooled by the sun. Air-conditioned skin shriveling in artificial lighting and venting, kept moist and elastic with creams and lotions, strangely felt cool, wet almost when touched by sunlight. While we go about working to keep our livelihood and chase dreams, natural somehow manage to become artificial and artificial, natural and then it is a marvel in itself to be able to distinguish which is which! Life, in the sense of that curious, exploring thing impacted by the panchabhootas, nevertheless knows when it finds its own space. Maybe thats why people still call it 'nature.'

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Being..

Strange, or maybe not so strange, that the first spurts of fresh new life is kind of in pastel colors, and with vigor comes those bright almost intense (crisp) colors. Blending gives it a softer, warmer feel and somehow makes it fuller. Guess this is not just about colors but also a metaphor to life.

Guess having a delicate, fragile, vulnerable side with a daring, ready to jump out of skin, energy is not really having a split personality but just the two sides of the same coin - holding each other in balance and hence one.

I wanna capture..

Wanna get a grip on the intangible, amorphous, the things that comes into being within the speed of lightening. To capture (freeze?) the things that the mind sees in the flash of an insight. Words are too slow and few to 'bracket' all of them in definitions.

Learning..

I suppose learning happens more when whatever one comes across is absorbed (whatever the 'container' of body/mind can hold..and in whatever quality it is prepared/ready to hold) than when tried to understand something as 'out there' as perhaps a concept. When the truth can be located within oneself, then no matter how trivial the learning, it stays, since it is then owned, though maybe not really 'understood.'

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Life showing up..curious kinds..

Interesting things happening of late in my spaces. Strange differenty alive people showing up. Were they always there? Hadnt i noticed them? or hadnt i noticed that people already are differently alive? Hadnt i noticed that i am differently alive within? Hadnt that been ok before which now it perhaps is..and my spaces reinforcing that okayness, thereby allowing me to see what i hadnt seen before? Interpretations!!

Linked..

Feel like I am a part of a chain that has been there since time immemorial... along chain of timeless values, some kind of tradition, something binding yet liberating all at once, and perhaps hence well supported though not in any tangible way yet more strongly than if it had been. Oh wait, not there yet, pretty close, the current is heard, sensed even, but not there yet...

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Tazer effect??

Feel like a spring that is not a shock absorber and refuses to take the shock!

Evolution

Maybe evolution is, by addition or deletion, something being better than it was a moment before. It has nothing to do with the dualities of right/wrong, good/bad, beautiful/ugly - all of them merely being perceptions. I could be crueler now than I was a moment before and have evolved in that sense. It must be the discipline of thought that makes evolution visible/significant....and perhaps just about always in hindsight.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Questions..

Why are people so averse to questions? why, what, how, where, when...they open spaces, delimits, makes horizons available. Is the resistance coming from butting against 'i dont know?' but then after 'i dont know' is the option of 'seeking to know' and hence 'knowing.' Is 'i dont know' so bad then? Unless 'i dont know' is in itself caged in 'i am made wrong' for 'not knowing' - a kind of default state that brings forth the 'survival gadgets' to the fore and the field autoready for a guerilla warfare between one identity of a human being with another.

Being made wrong..

It does not feel nice to justify myself, especially when I have not done wrong. Feel small and helpless, before I get all righteous and rage with impotent anger directed at no one in particular. It takes way my love for fellow beings. There is big-small, right-wrong, good-bad, dominant-docile. Them and me, the conversations that keep the identity intact, becomes pretty prominent then. Making someone wrong/being made wrong has such multiple effects on the 'system' inside and outside, and much collateral damage. Seeing things from this light, it is not very difficult to understand how identies get constructed, and how the self - that all-mighty, all-pervading, magnanimous, unstoppable force within - takes refuge in an identity for its survival.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Unmoving moving nonmover..

...while the waters fret and froth and gurgle, the deep waters quietly go about its business allowing life to draw from its nature.. in its own pace..in its own way.

Exploring the sense of taste..

Wonder if there is some truth to this thought...package food/restaurant food has a peculiar taste to it, like some element (taste) that makes it 'not homemade.'.. or maybe i havnt eaten in the best of places to know any better.  Does freshness have a taste of its own?

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Awareness stratification??

Being focused on task at hand while simultaneously being aware of whatever is going on around (Or) being totally focused on task at hand at the exclusion of all else around? (or) primarily involved with task at hand while allowing the body to absorb whatever is happening around, i.e.mind on task, rest faculties on alert antenna mode, perhaps.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Movement..

It was a pretty long sentence meandering through different spaces of emotion experience and speculations though maybe not exactly differentiated as those but more like a spectrum of two or more of it in confusing paces and then came a comma, maybe to re-read what was written or maybe the sentence just paused to catch its breath or to jerk off something heavy on its shoulders, whatever may have been the reason, the sentence and the writer having resolved something now chugg along cautiously in quiet determination.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Lonesome journey..

Life is a lonesome journey. You gotta find ur way through, learn ur tricks to maneuver through the thick and thin waters, discover what lies within u, what are things outside of u, how to things behave, howz the weather, how does it all affect my journey, am I headed towards where i want to be reaching? How far out is it from where i am? Who are my foes, my friends? How much can i indulge? How much do i need to contain myself? How much can i rely on others? How much on myself? How do i tackle congenial and adverse situations? What beliefs do i hold on to?

Life is a lonesome journey of discovery, creation, and learning.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

defensive..


Much is unsaid between words. Expressions give away. Pauses give away. Tone give away. Eyes give away. What would it take for that playful happy self to not get defensive and take cover...to jcome out of the cover and just be? Words richochete within and interpretations/connotations ... better to be safe and have a guerilla warfare (!). what will not cause that effect? Not making/made wrong! Approval! A sense that it is ok..that it is safe. What bonds in the network of 'safe'?

yearn..

its a chain of waiting...one bead for another. What is being pulled forth in the process is a yearn for fulfillment..expressions of subtleties hitherto undistinguished now brought forth in ways that are endearing to say the least for the element of honesty suffuse in them, so also the endevour to express in words or through other means that which is not easy to be 'said' and be satisfactorily expressed.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

connectedness..

Like the honey in milk, like the oxygen in air, be permeated in everything..

sound from stillness..

A voice calls from yonder, whispering as if from the dead, a sound only to the discerning ear, calling on to life.

Monday, April 18, 2011

controller and controlled

An inherent urge to raise, be at source of, control, dominate over, autonomy? - to own the created. There must be many forces unexpressed, forces gathered in the course of surviving, driving one to perpetuate the very thing that one fights against. What is resisted persists in a chain reaction, the eaten becoming the eater, thus unconsciously creating the drag in the system while struggling with the innate urge to create onward. None to blame. It is all a part of what humans deal with within the context of what it means to be human.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Brewing within..

While everyone seem to be going about they business, poetrying, dancing, musing, preaching, surmising, gathering, I watch bemused and in some awe at the simplicity in the complexity and the complexity through simplicity. Occasionally comes a stray thought of my place among things, not as significance or morality or position, but as the value i bring to whatever there is. Unexpectedly I am reminded of a trait i thought i had from times past and with trepidation i attempt to regain the experience of time-forgetting creation - a stroke here, a mystical muse there, a tune here, a movement there, an expression here, a hue there.

I find me being wary of overhauling something already created but at the same time wanting to wash away the muck i see marring the beauty in most things, and often the muck i find is a stray thread that needs to be tied into place or moved aside to reveal the intricate pattern within.

Words! such a powerful medium of creation. They make the world seem beautiful or ugly. They open up worlds or shut out until claustrophobia. Sometimes they seem so superfluous, sometimes never quite enough to express what needs be expressed, sometimes having a life of its own drawing other words in its wake and creating a brilliant world. Interpretations! Intended meaning vs meaning understood. What misunderstandings they create! What worlds they bring forth! It is like a beast that needs taming, these words.

While i ponder on how to do this, creativity, experiences, dreams swell quietly within, pondering on the best way of expression.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

support

Why is it so difficult to keep on going one step ahead of the other when the goal is clear, requirements are clear, .... mere approval, reassurance. When the seeker takes refuge in the formless and undefined, all else becomes irrelevant. It is not out there. It is here - outside of me including me.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

sensing..

Words are somehow getting superfluous, unnecessary even at times. To think that I wanted to 'see,' 'hear,' 'sense,' 'taste,' 'smell,' that which is not obvious...that want seems to be becoming a necessity. How numb to life have I been! How thick is this hurt-insulating numbness, i wonder. Thanks to poignant guides along the way, I realize it is not a phase or an enlightening moment that makes one aware of things in such depth, but more of quieting the worded noise of thoughts within and allowing the senses to do their job sans interpretation.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Choice..

I now kinda know what it means to hopelessly wait. It is a choice made from many others, and it is mine.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Virtual reality

It all seems so unreal, indefinite out there. Like it is a time warp in some advanced version of a Wii game without gadgets. The game seem to have started at birth!

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Facets..


Light through a prism illuminates multiple facets depending on its angulation to the source of light, so also does an insight and the conversations with common elements.

just saying..

I want to communicate and be gotten. Im not so bad, my intentions are good. I just mess up sometimes...

intentions and results..

Good intentions. Faltering in minor all-too-important details and thus getting into sticky spots. Seem to have missed some vital class when everyone were being briefed about some code-password for being in sync with everything. I miss the cues even! Rue to think I used to pick nonverbal communication uncannily quick but decided to turn off my antenna when what was 'seen' and what people spoke insomuch words were poles apart. I want to turn on my antenna now but the circuit seems unfamiliar. Why do i have to keep making myself wrong and unlearn things only to find I was not so wrong and then have to relearn the very same things all over again, I wonder.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Morphing meanings..


Meaning of specific words drift. sockets hold variable links (may or may not be belonging to the definition of the word), thus making the meaning afloat and contexually modified. vagueness and 'at sea' feeling when the specific definition of a word is not consistently present, allowing for indefiniteness of the meaning conveyed. If analogized, a machine is made of definite parts, much like an activity comprises defined actions. If the machines components become jelly-like, the machine may never get built, much like if the actions are not definite because the specific terms that bring workability are not understood in the exact same meaning everytime, the activity may never really get accomplished the way it was originally meant to be. Volatility (amoebability??) of word definitions with passing time is the problem. Solution?

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Judgments and evaluations..


Opinions (judgments/evaluations) like air is everywhere. Everything is shaped (instigated?) by it. Like it or hate it. It could be one other necessary evil like money....not 'necessary'..its just there, like earth made of sand, water of H2O. Its the material of thought.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

in conscious action..

uncertainty. confusion. doubts. wary trust. right/wrong? good/bad? morality. smallness. little girl bewilderment. defensiveness. hidden 'knowing' with doubt of the knowing. muscle not built up to support that knowing in conscious action. weak will and strengthened disempowering convos. dump of charcoal on uncut carbon. dare not even to name with confidence. serious lack of muscles to support the core. None to blame. .afraid of damage caused/causing. games are bigger. untried. uncertain grounds. stakes are higher. steps have repercussions. willingness to deal with consequences, but the delicacy of matters, attention to the finest details, the delicate interconnections, irreparable damages any? doubt my own sensitiveness, best course of action?  list teh possible courses of action and gauge consequences. presumptions? unaware data? lack of training?   action and reaction. reaction guiding next action. swiftness. instincts. there is no right way. actions and actions.          whats the intention and what is getting created. whats the gap. actions. all else mere details. velocity? timeline. SMRs. My project(s). Willingness to jump out of skin.  this moment being better than the last. knowing the network that holds the knower and that which holds the IT. Inner outer world sync. too many things to remember. Gap. future in present. word actions. thought actions. actions. Gap. It is a lonesome journey. come alone go alone. whats in between? is it really alone? whatever is real does not look for reassurance. whatever isnt needs to know. what is real has elements in common. timeless. always at all times being watched, judged and evaluated. constantly. unrelentingly. inner and outer. mercilessly. no respite. There is no one out there watching over. No guardian angel. Totally exposed for everyone to see, in and out. Nothing belongs to u. u own nothing. u have zilch. Everything u do is magnified 100 times in impact and effect. the slightest movement has unmeasured magnitude.

Explore

Explore - whatever may be the ground conditions. Test - however may be the results apparent. Challenge the definitions - whatever may be the intricacies and connotations. Explore.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Lumps of clay ~ Kuan Tao-Shen

Take a lump of clay,
Wet it, pat it,
Make a statue of you
And a statue of me
Then shatter them, clatter them,
Add some water,
And break them and mold them
Into statue of you and a statue of me.
Then, in mine, there are bits of you
And in you there are bits of me.
Nothing ever shall keep us apart.

Lumps of clay ~ Kuan Tao-Shen

Take a lump of clay,
Wet it, pat it,
Make a statue of you
And a statue of me
Then shatter them, clatter them,
Add some water,
And break them and mold them
Into statue of you and a statue of me.
Then, in mine, there are bits of you
And in you there are bits of me.
Nothing ever shall keep us apart. - Kuan Tao-Shen

Friday, March 18, 2011

getting on track..

It was never between me and them anyway.

Too much time wasted in explanations. They make their own interpretations anyway.

Action-reaction

Prejudices. Evidences. Verification. Personal tests of reality. Reactivity. Suppression. Internal pressure. Bewilderment. Self-doubt. Desperation. Reassurance? Conclusions. Incompletion. Chain-reaction. Speculation. Gains/losses? Learnings. Experiements. Forebearance...and so on.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

On control..

Control of possible future problems could itself become the problem, starting a chain of problems and control measures with solution interspersed in interesting ways; solutions to current problems and further control to avoid further possible problems. Control - the illusion - creating patterns that give rise to newer unpredicible problems, in some ways a catalyst for higher entropy.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Presence..

Im not present and im not present that im not present and to the extent that im not present im not listening, and im so much not present that im not even present to what extent im not present.

Presence..

"Im not present and im not present that im not present and to the extent that im not present im not listening, and im so much not present that im not even present to what extent im not present"  - a koen.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Defiance..

Defy me. Defy my definition of myself. Defy the definition that others seem to have made of me. I am that but im not only that.......... an hitherto unacknowledged trait making itself known in my evolution? The world wants to judge me for it? Be my guest!

Layers

Imperceptibly the impulse generated for onward movement has been at work...working through layers unbeknownst, either moving to the surface and onto the next layer or thinning the layers outside first inwards. Maybe an experiement in movement, experiement in layers, once this way, once another way, maybe alternatively having its own dynamics, confusing me with the variation and the inputs. Am i even supposed to make sense of it?
(thats a thread of thought captured on some scrap of paper.... some thought...donno what that leads to)

Friday, March 4, 2011

Me - my friend

A lot of things catch my attention these days. Thoughts run almost nonstop. Im more conscious of the choices i make, though not always. Making happier, uplifting, expandable choices, I noticed. I write words of 'not, cannot, not able to' and my mind says 'bring in you there, you say you cant? but you can!' Me says 'there are things to do, but x, y, x' and my mind says 'but?! learn to love the but! 'buts' are good, you need a but to challenge you, to offer resistence. How else would you train, go beyond and get better?!"  Love me!

round and flat characters..of 'Pride and Prejudice' origin

A pattern that made itself known recently. Pretty myopic. It is a tendency to see things through a small visual field, just enough to have the thing (particularly people) appear manageable and slottable into predefined slots, much like stereotyping people..this is of this type, this that, and then saying thats that, making them 'flat' characters' until he/she throws up a surprise which briefly has one wondering before it is conveniently forgotten until that surprise element shows up again. And when it does a couple more times, then the person gets slotted into another 'type.' The person in question of course would bristle if he/she knew the slotting happening, owing to an innate rebelion to be 'boxed' and labelled. Wonder if the 'there is more to me' response comes only in reaction to 'thats all there is to you.' There are all kinds of reactions. Intuitively i think everybody are 'round' characters, some pretending to be 'flat', but then maybe the roundness is revealed only when they are 'flatted'

Monday, February 28, 2011

Mind...antenna

Wonder if at some level each of us are like x-ray capture sheets (the kind that captures the reflected x-rays from the object of study). If the sheet is constant and unwavering, vibes (like x-rays) from sources get received/impacted on the sheet. Guess the 'antenna' is not just limited to the brain. "Mind is not limited to just the brain but the whole body" makes more sense now.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Recreating the echo from the past..

Im the least important, less than insignificant nobody
nothing to lose
What I think/feel/sense don’t matter…its only what and how I do that matters
how does it work?
Im bigger than this…I have more than what it takes to make this happen..or il find out
they care..they are a group with a vision bigger than themselves
mates are unique, self-generative leaders in their own right
have a role to play in the big scheme of things
do or die
This can be done better
How can I add value?
Make it worth the while….time will make it worthwhile
What needs to be done/said?
Hold on…stay put…this too shall pass
Harness, channelize and put it to use..
When the going gets tough..tough gets going
One moment at a time..
There is 100% of the way to go yet

Space dynamics..?

Space dynamics. Move, pause, exit influence.

Clearing..

Things show up in a clearing, so would it be that diseases..new diseases are showing up because there are centers to research and test and discover? Are illnesses tehre because hospitals are there? Is it all a demand and supply thing in all pathways? If so, then other demands may be created and supplies consistent with that be made available. Seen in this light, its not a hopeless world afterall!

patterns..


When the entropy is external, the number of elements involved is volatile....elements add on or minus depending on the view-frame unless there is one aspect of it that encompasses n number of variables and/or unpredictabilities, until that one aspect itself becomes a predictable model, which would then round the whole thing off as one unit...one amongst similar many...or dissimilar many and their unpredictability and variations...and so on. Simplification could become quite complex in itself.

Echoes from a past..

Im the least important, less than insignificant nobody
nothing to lose
how the hell does it work?
im getting left out
they care..they are a group with a vision bigger than themselves
mates are unique, self-driven leaders in their own right
have a role to play in the big scheme of things
do or die
cant I do even this well?
How can I add value?
What needs to be done/said?
Hold on….stay put…there is just a little more to go
One moment at a time..
Make it worth the while….time will make it worthwhile
Harness, channelize and put it to use..
Bring it on…give it ur best shot….try and break me..
Im no female…im barely human..im a force at work..dont mess with me

More later..

Friday, February 25, 2011

Of jobs and mindsets..

After this long, im still incomplete about not having live experience with human anatomy/physiology studies. One step away from actual. conceptual functionalism mostly. Working at one-step away. As jobs tend to make a mindset consistent with the nature of work, wonder how much is my nature of work impacting my connectability with things..is it all one-step away?

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Virtual mirror..

A new thought/awareness is taking root these days. Afraid, as usual, that expressing it will take the magic of it away, that maybe i need to explore it in depth before revealing even trivial elements of it. Maybe i need to pay heed to the 'be circumspect' thought. As of now what I am ready to reveal, should it spark another forwarding thought in another, is...what if everything even a fraction of a second outside my personal space is all a virtual mirror..that whatever i feel or am not aware of within me is just getting 'vividly reflected' in the mirror so I recognize and deal with that in 'real' so something get resolved within me...people, situations, places, everything being mere representations/'personification' of some 'form' within to bring about palpability to what is happening within. What is out there is not unreal (it has rules and elements that need honoring in that dimension) but they are mere reflections from a 'projector' within me. Speculating on whether things that others are dealing with is a reflection of whats happening within 'others' (even while being aware that 'other' is a representation of whats happening within me)..but well, its 'confusion zone' there..needs exploring..

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Newer likes..

Double-colored textured fabric made more interesting by the play of light. Sparkles.
Scheduled work has a rhythm that can be economized and improvized. Randomness is fun for a while...as the entropy increases, unstability proportionally increases.

**********************
Conglomeration of memes that has stood the test of time and/or has been selected with workability being the selection criteria or construction as opposed to destruction being a criteria has better longevity and easy consumability, better still if they are memes which may have elements common across various veins of thought, beliefs and functionalities.

Curdling the crust..

"As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it."...until the crust is broken so many times it dont matter whether you have it formed or not, you are eating it anyways...or making it with whatever you can lay your hands on!

Monday, February 21, 2011

Of spontaneity and deliberation..

Spontaneous responses quelled, moderated and deliberated. Reactivity controlled. Actions chosen. Amount of energy invested chosen..invested, to create. Is spontaneity lost? Are there other things lost in the process, like the freshness of response, or a form of expession that the other may expect but not received? Does that cause an incompletion at some level? Does that affect how the responder is listened to? Would that make the responder 'cold'? What of those elements unconsciously, intuitively cocreating in the spontaneous response ..or is there anything? Vagueness. Which would be mechanical? Automated default preconditioned responses...instictive almost from preconditioning..or deliberate, controlled, almost methodical. Latter seems scary for the responsibility involved..being responsible for what is being created, for the effects (side effects?), the listening created, the losses/gains, turbulence if any, responsibility for being consistent in function. What if spontaneity be deliberated.

Light

May the sunlight seep into my bones, warm my blood, suffuse the darkness with light, and reflect its brightness in my soul. Almost craving for light...

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Creativity..

A form when defined in excrutiating detais, as a work of art itself, brings to life something otherwise not available. There being no right or wrong, it is the element at work drawing from every resource available to make available something. It is an act of creation. When what is created draws on the creator to invest chunks of itself, there are elements in it that are universal, for everyone are made of similar material, function through similar mechanisms, and share several spaces in common. What is thus created touches a nerve through which life pulses.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Movement

From the lower breath to upper breath and further to the self made of knowledge, self made of mind, self made of food and water, and outward through the senses is the pathway of awareness. Once the breath is out, so is awareness.

Rich content. Luscious royal colors. Richness. Dignity and poise. Abundance..and yet unique. Finesse. Intensity and potency. Energy. Volcanic self-expression. Ripples on still water. Tip of the iceberg. Pseudopods.

Expressions..

In a new space now, one where expression in whatever form is intriguing and taking predominance over all else. The stimulus is interesting, yes, but more interesting is the expression itself. It gives a glimpse of the person within, the one beneath all the faces, make-believes and angsts. The uniqueness of the life form revealed in tantalizing bits here and there. It is beautiful whenever seen and it is beautiful still to connect the dots and see what picture emerge. Afraid of responding 'loudly' whenever I get a glimpse, lest it takes cover once again in the make-believe masks. Interesting space to explore. Loving it.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Movements..

Gestures .. body language, conveys depths of thought, emotions, perceptions, subtly and maybe even more eloquently than words do. Unguarded moments of revelation or maybe intentional unworded communication to the discerning. Movements seem to have a language of its own. Its speech invoking a response from its listener through participation, through perception, through means that is beyond the preconditioned modes of sensing/feeling/seeing. The perceiver needs to let loose imagination to find words to describe what the mind and/or body has perceived as having been communicated. I suspect there are layers of expression in this medium too, the number of layers perhaps consistent with the intensity of the mover's particpation.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Communication phases..

Going through another phase in the area of my communication skills. 'A girl with very few words' would have described me well during my girlhood days (or so says mom). Then came a phase of high-end vocabulary through voracious reading (a result of conscientiously training myself to articulate better with more words....always thought people dont understand me). Then came the 'keep it simple' phase (when it dawned on me that people now dont understand 'coz I use such high-end words and in complex sentences!...and a conscientious effort made to cut down on reading, for I thought they are only feeding more words to add to my consternation!). Next came nonsensical phase, with excessive use of body language, too many words used to convey a very simple idea (by when it became pretty clear that none of my efforts is allowing for people to understand what i intend to say better, and worse, is creating misunderstandings!). Now, I suppose is the beginning of 'less is more' phase (I find me tending to say choice words, let the words hang in the air for anyone who may want to grasp it and free to make anything of it as they please, and then dealing with what response I get). Right now this style appeals to me. If not anything else, I am expressing myself, not being overly stressed by the effort of it, and being more brave about dealing with collateral damage from misunderstandings. Lemme watch the scenery on this phase unfold..

Friday, February 11, 2011

Onward movement..

At odd moments, it seems like there has not been any regression at all, like it has only been an onward movement like that of a convection of components, where the components have only been very well stirred to move onward to newer grounds or newer levels. As if What has been learnt has been learnt, not lost in any way, only in some way reperceived, reviewed and modified dynamically, rest else has only been broken and rebuilt into newer forms (?) or realities.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Being human.

Along with the context of what it means to be human, must be an ever-present, subtly all-pervading resignation and cynicism within which peole operate..a broth that cultures comformity.

Presumptions..

It is easy to understand now how presumptions come about. The networks...the expanse of them, the interconnectedness, with only forms being constant, links as diverse and unloyal as they come..or loyal as the situation demands...and hence fickle..allowing for the same situation to occur differently when viewed from different angles by the same person at different points of time, since the reference is different, the context different. Quite a maze there.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Depth to creation..

Things are created by working on in layers bit by bit, detail over detail. If the base coat of an oilpaint was called bad and discarded, the painting will never ever happen.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

On a new trail..

Noticed of late that there are things I identify with. Noticed that at least some of them are those that I havent been able to figure out, meaning things I cannot put into the bracket of 'seen the intricacies, know the patterns, know the width and expanse of it and so can now predict the outcomes' type. I wonder if I seek out complexities..seek them out to have my brain do the gymnastics of analyzing, studying for details, forming associations and newer synapses if that, and then seeing something new out of the whole exercise..a fresh breath of 'oxygen' in its otherwise always active processes. I used to notice that I got bored with things very fast, until one day I re-read a book out of sheer perseverence, just so I get used to monotony ..and guess what? I read another story though the book was the same, words were the same, but the story was not the same...like there were 'layers of stories' within the very words. I noticed patterns that I had never noticed..would never have noticed had I not re-read the book. After that book, I wondered if the everyday things that I had earlier dismissed as common and mundane was in fact my oversight..that maybe ordinary things like walking, breathing, everyday casual almost meaningless banter, was in fact just that or had 'layers' to them that required my closer inspection. I am now on a new trail now. Attention to details. Identifying forms. Looking for layers. Oxygen.

Monday, January 31, 2011

intuitive learning

When any one of the senses are limited, the rest of them (and more than what is evident) jumps in to compensate...like an octopus and its tentacles... life and its survival kit has many tools!

word actions


Just as words in any language has come about from use and reuse and from modification over time with the need for better 'words' to express, it is the expression that matters more than words themselves. In the absence of speech/voiced expression, the closest that can convey an expression is the word, phrase, sign, symbol. Voiced expression comes with accessories of gestures, tones, stress, facial expression and others developed out of need for other methods to express. New words can be coined as long as the focus is on expression and conveyance and then communication. the measure of communication is the results produced. what shows up is a result of conversations between you to others, others to you and others to others. communication without action is mere gas, passing of memes maybe. The measure is the action and results out of actions. A nonphysical thing impacting the physical is the measure. So what needs be moved and where does it need be moved to and by when? Words which are actions. Is the future speaking through the present. Is causing multiple impacts through choice few. Is conserving and expanding in a recyclable process.

networks

Just as there are contexts within which only certain things show up, while others not, there seems to be another umbrella that has specific forms characteristic/identifiable to it. Forms of which when noticed gives an indication of that umbrella being present (?), like how specific gestures, movements, when noticed can alert to a particular space that a person may be in, eg. a furtive glance, quick noiseless movements may be indicative of something stealthy (?)...networks have objective links. Anything that refers to an objective link triggers a response system within the 'recognition system' of possible form networks...the more number of forms pertaining to a particular network, the more sure will be the 'recognition' of having zero'd onto the network and its a 'aha' moment. there could be specific words coined to identify such 'networks' but this can be seen as a concept which may have its own entelechous development..this may not be new. Brain may be designed to function only by linking forms (??) in which case the links can be chosen and worked and reworked until it gets objective and then built upon it to whatever extent. It can be broken and others formed too.


There seem to be identifiers within a network even though networks may be interconnected. Though maybe objectivized, ignoring a form is missing a chance to follow the thread into the full network, maybe in subtle but profound way connected with other networks.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Substance..


*Stuff gets trapped within words (??), which is then conveyed much like an actual physical object getting transported.*  Is there a palpability to the stuff, something that allows for it to have a kinda 'wave-particle'/real-illusion type quality, as in the substance that is the medium for creation, eg. painter has pigments, writer - strokes. Is there a thing which allows for the palable yet not real creation? ...an actor on stage deals with real palpable 'characters'. the characters are real so long as the drama or whatever is on, but that is not all, that is as real as it is an illusion. it is as real as one would want to believe. One could choose to keep the perspective of the big picture alive by remembering that it is just an act, a make believe, and then choose to participate as though it is real..and things can be moved by such participation..a drama can take a dramatic turn as long as it is consistent with the 'integrity' of that particular setup, one could also bring in something entirely new, even while being within the setup just by virtue of being able to see the big picture.. being in it and yet not in it or rather..not being in it, yet being in it.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Things I identify with..

Never been a great one with words. Have tended to invalidate everything I may want to boldly say, critisizing the point, punching it from many perspectives until I conclude it is better left untold. At least that was so until very recently, when I saw this to be a pattern of mine - of invalidating my ideas, for fear of not being approved/accepted/ridiculed or thought of being called weird. Since I kinda recognized this pattern, have taken on writing down my thoughts, with the thought of revisiting them and seeing how much of it is actually nonsense, and if at all it does have something in it that is not all nonsense. This blogspace, I found, is convenient for this purpose; kinda like the thought sieve that Prof. Dumbledore uses in Harry Potter, only here I need to type out whatever it is that I think may be something I would like to further think about.

Anyways, whats come up today, is this..
I have been on a journey of discovering what/who I am, been on it since sometime now - approximately 4.5 years now. Of course, I had to lose myself before I could go about 'finding' me, and that is an experience I am thinking of writing about sometime soon. I found of late that there are things I connect with and things I dont (nothing unique here!). When I say connect, I mean I identify with it, almost instinctively. It could be a certain note in a song, a particular way of expression, a certain mannerism, a tendency to do something, something that I sense as being very similar if not same as something about me or something that is me. This may be something that has been there all the time..'birds' of a feather' and all that, but iv become aware of this just now. It will be interesting to see how deep and wide this thought goes and how much I may have/not have become aware of as patterns in my connectivity with people/things around me.

Friday, January 28, 2011

More patterns?

Ever noticed how someone deep in thought walks slowly, head bent, not much physical motion...very much like someone carrying a heavy load would. Maybe not directly but then thoughts could be the heaviest mass in the system, considering thoughts can cause action that can move even palpable things.

Stuff are always in circulation. Anything that gets stagnant either gets stale or degenerate or is forceably displaced. What gets increased is that which has more stuff to dissipate into various pathways. Whatever has less circulability and is less touched upon, dies a natural 'death,' where death is mere redistribution of stuff or dislocation into other pathways.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

inner and outer worlds

Been in the world within, know the scenery, know the sensations, know the limitations, know the workings, familiar, and unreal. Now time to pour it into another realm where the mechanism is different, just as unreal with more variables since it is the work of the projector, and the loops created through input and output adds to the variability.

React or not

Identify and nail the source of charge. Until the source is identified stop all activities. Declare a breakdown and leave it at that.

Creation?

"Everything has been created from God's exploration of his Self." = the primal element differentiates into matter of which all things of the world are made of. Elements evolve out of the impulse generated in elements by the absolute presence of the primal element (?) -- Aritotalian extention to Plantonian theory of form.
Every cell cut out has totipotency. Everything is a form (?). There are no accidents. There is entelechy. Elements evolve out of the impulse generated by the absolute presence of the primal element. (why not always? why dormancy/hybernation?..limitation of the senses or unawareness of evolution?)

Sunday, January 23, 2011

A quote..

"This Diwali, Lets be aware of our inner light. It is beyond the physical body and mind, It is pure, infinite and eternal. knowing of which outshines all darkness (removes all obstacles and dispels all ignorance), awakening the individual to one's true nature, not as the body, but as the unchanging, infinite, immanent and transcendent reality .
Rejoice the Inner light in you .
Happy Diwali"

Saturday, January 22, 2011

issues..

Sensitivity to ridicule, rather forms of ridicule. Sensitivity? Is it a function of 'listening for,' a function of a predecided listening for, like a tape running nonstop recording a particular frequency as a default running program, whatever immunity developed being a mere function of desensitizing certain aspects (what is this.. form??) of it. If senstivity can be developed for one thing, it can be developed for any other too, with choice, and set on default mode. The human machine is reprogammable with conscious choice. For any machine to be reprogrammable, it is essential that it be thoroughly understood, its design, functions, intricacies, delicate networks, maintenance requirements, optimum function level and req., and repair mechanisms...getting to be a motorhead? Fields of study are interconnected. Science is connected to math and philosophy - interpretative. Physical fields of study are interconnected? Construction, mechanics, actual touchable, feelable, palpable things are interconnected, other than in the conceptual sense? Basic building blocks of substances are more or less same..H, C, S, P, O, etc. (get the details..reference?). Physical things are built from limited common elements (.?). Operatability rules governing them are same? Physical forces operating them are limited and so usable interchangeably? (conceptual... no verifiability. Get facts right!). The road demands to be walked on, not talked on.

*****************
One too many fine details missing between SC and India wordscript. The number of differences and having to work inspite of them creates an ignore/overlook this node area in the assessment system (this is unique to me? A system created from one too many frictions, so a numb-zone to gloss over the friction and bring some livability than 'fight all the way' marathon?). If so, then this must be the difference why an MDA had the QA in full swing and an SC account not - too many battles and too much caution on the other end to stand up to it ? Is LPCH a causuality in the whole process? For sure integrity is dull in this aspect. The degree of lack of integrity shows up in the result. Degree of it less at my end, a little at several other ends, total impact on the actual job at hand. LPCH? How much more or how fast must the leak be dealt with (Whatever it takes,, however fast it needs to be..whatever needs tobe dealt with would be justified when the purpose is met). Even one gap in integrity filled shows up in the result. Integrity has a way of demanding the same for other sources. Authenticity begets authenticity, so does integrity. It may not be easy. No pain no gain. Too much noise. Better noise than mediocred silence. Others are too cautious about it. Tread slowly written with large invisible letters. It may just be a conversation in the head. No reality to it. No stated rule. Communication gap allowing for presumptions. Subjectivity coming from lack of clarity. There may not be a solution. There is no problem without a solution. A problem holds a gift within it. Seeking the gift is what the whole solution-seeking is about. Every problem has a solution. Demand it and the most stoic concedes to an alternative plan, as has been made evident. This is the source of resignation about the job. The number of spokes broken equals degree of unworkabiltiy equals degree of unproductivity equals degree of results overall equals sense of aliveness. It takes very less to restore integrity, much more in the will to follow it through, but very less to restore. It takes declaration and standing by it no matter what. i will be listened to as a problem causer again. Problem? solution. twins. problem-causer? solution-finder. it is boring to be an ornament or furniture, just part of something when someting worthwhile can be created in distance form and time. worth the investment of resources, time, effort, will, much more rewarding overall.

Networking..

What is missing is to be brought forth where i am to see the result out there..more like a projector in a theater. Turn the thought sequence anyway which and if arriving at the same spot over and over, then better to save that spot for further reference. This is much in link with an experience had over and over, much like is circles. Once the experience has been fully accepted in all its length and width and lesson learnt, that cycle no more happens, the next level in the process opens up, like a video game wiht multiple levels. How is this thought-vein similar to the 'conclusion' of the former? Are they in different paradigms or just another dimension to the same? If a nodal point is arrived at over and over again, then maybe just realizing that it is a point arrived at multiple times is itself the entry point to the next level. Maybe at that point the network is seen more clearly, more interconnections visible than was formerly, and that visibility is the bottomline from which the next level is to be arrived at. Strangely now the two thought-veins have linked.

pretences..

Is pretense important? Make-believe? even when u know it is false, not permanent, just there for the sake of it, know it is not permanent? Could it be a matter of so much resignation and cynicism that you miss being resigned and cynical? Being in anyplace familiar for long enough breeds a certain acceptance of it (Stockholm syndrome) which needs to be gone beyond to even know what else could be there. It takes building a muscle necessary to withstand the uncertainty and self-doubt to test what could be new and unfamiliar. It must already be present in some unrecotgnized form through other means of adapting to changes within the brain system, though not consciously recognized. Anything that is missing, needs to be brought forth where I am. To bring forth something new, it needs to be traveled on a little distance to first see if it is feasible before directing or recommending it to another. Maybe presence a pathway itself isa means of being aware of such a path, as an option, to be first traveled on before further emphasis. Maybe the very process of recommending it causes for one to travel it in a certain way for creativity happens with a little acceptance of it oneself from which further creation happens? (maybe it is a part of the creativity process..to accept something of something for development to happen, even if for alittle while, as recognized forms in the brain...much as though words, even if inappropriate, presences links which it holds within its ambit to the utterer/listener just by virtue of such a word having been uttered.. a literal 'word creates the world' format!?)

Friday, January 21, 2011

Incompletions

Something goes wrong, something goes incomplete, and the incompletion leaks as blame, complaint, accusation, emotional outburst, deriling, act, racket, strong suit, manifestation of the 'sentence,' etc.etc.etc. Deal with completion, not the incompletion.

Auto-piloting - tapping the power of the subconscious

Auto-pilotism - repeat and repeat actions. Autoassess the number of variables/types and 'see' number of repeatedness of some element. Autopilotism is just repeating the repeated items, while consciousness is directed elsewhere. If the acuteness of repeated items as patterns is also recognized, the chances of error is even less. If 10 items can go into autopiloting, with observation 40 can go too.

strange disquiet within..

There is a strange unrest within, a feeling like as though a stream is becoming a river, and then picking up momentum and conserving energy and building up force towards the ocean where it will lose itself, and be found in a way unrecognizable as water but will be all that water was and a lot more.

There is a dancer matching steps to rhythm and beat, free yet controlled, sensuous graceful movements in every line of her body.

There is a musical note within, at the heart of which is a yearn and a mirth, drawing things towards itself, rejoicing of itself, and yet at once reaching out and connecting with the essense of things around.

There are patterns in just about everything, some recognized, some not as yet but sensed to be there even if not yet known.

There seems to be beauty in everything, camouflaged in several ways and beguiling to be found. Hues seem vibrant in their own shades, sometimes merging into newer shades, being on their own ground and quietly making a statement.

There are several things waiting to be told and heard, words drifting in and out of the mind attempting to capture the essense of it all within their ambit but somehow failing; whatever it captures blooms out mushroom-like into other veins of thought, growing as though it has a life of its own.

Flight of thought and imagination in hues, flavors, and rhythm, with ebbs and teddies every now and then, revealing depth and heights and width, opening up the world around in dimensions never seen before. Seeing, hearing, sensing, tasting, feeling sometimes as if all anew with an acuity, not quite like that of a new born, but with a certain quality to it that is discerning without being judgemental or evaluative.

And then, there are moments when I sense being a force to reckon with, with energy and zeal to make anything happen, a sense of being fully present, fully aware of anything and everything, and yet being calm and poignant and poised, ready for whatever lies ahead. At such times, past, present, and future all seem to be rolled into an all-pervasive timezone, when everything I have learned and imbibed or have inferred from thinking things through - all make sense with no confusion and with such clarity that anything new that may come, however weird it may be, can be explained or arrived at with alacrity. Such are the moments when I wonder if the world is really my own creation and everything brought forth by me, for me; as though I am the creator, preserver and destroyer; performer, audience and critic; physical, abstract, and sublime all in one.

It is comforting and scary. Feels like a mystery slowly unraveling, and a purpose is to be known. Whatever be that lies ahead, it is for sure an answer to what I have been seeking. The entelechy of some force that has been driving me to be curious, inquire, explore, associate, and learn may probably be moving towards its own fulfillment.

However may things be coming to be, I want to know this well, and better still, to be able to create newer realities for myself and everybody around me while being in the awareness that these moments bring to me, and have everyone around ongoingly creating their own realities, being magnificant in their own light, being fully aware of who they really are and what they are really capable of. It inspires me to be involved in creating a world that works for everybody. I was told that to resolve a problem you need to be able to see things from a fresh perspective, maybe from outside the problem, to see that which cannot be seen from being within the problem. I would like to think that, that is what is happening.

Monday, January 17, 2011

req.

it is not about showing. it is about moving. it is not about surviving. it is about creating, and it requires components consistent with what is required to create.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Stem cells or meristems

"Immune potential of umbilical cord blood is low. Graft-versus-host reactions occur less frequently"(when compared to adult stem cells). Wonder if the decision making patterns of an adult modify its morphology enough to reflect the state of its being. An adult stem cell transplant have greater chances of a graft-versus-host disease or of host rejection of the graft than the transplant of stem cells from that of the umbilicus - a product of a li'l human being that has not yet found ways of 'being'(?) but is as fresh as the stem cells themselves (?). The immune system is the protection mechanism - a part of the survival kit - that protects and preserves an organism, from 'another.' As it is in the macrocosm, so it is in the microcosm. Wonder how far is it true that the intricacies that differentiate one into apparent two is in response to the interaction between anti-particle (or anti-state) and its state. Wonder if this is is a thought that could be true onto the macrocosm.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

doubts

doubts arise when there is still a gap between knowing and that which needs be known. the type and nature of doubt reveal the extent of the gap.

multi-system'd body

It takes no effort. Let the mind wander on its own and it goes on a tangent all on its own. follow it, and it is like following a child let to explore some space at its own liking..one moment stop at one thing, be all immersed in it like the universe is to be found in it, the next moment glance through any an sundry and off. it takes no effort. it has something to think about anything adn everything, preconditioned i suppose to think and think and think. wonder if emotions have a personalit of its own, if considered to have a life of its own with modes of behaviour its own, which somehow is linked to the whole persona system and is like team work with individual members playing in tandem. could it be so? for sure hormones have a mode of conduct, emergy levels have, the mind and thought system can be counted as one, the body clock has one, ..separate systems functioning together, awaking, eating, sleeping together,,and called one body ?!!

Dimensions

peoples problems are 'real' to them. why should the apparently real things be treated as being real, not as illusion? why should the 'real'ness of one dimension be given due reverence and validity in that dimension when it is all illusion? how much of reality is to be treated as illusion? or rather, if illusions create the apparent reality, retaining the 'reality' in its dimension is necessary to create something worthwhile out of it. If a dot is placed in one dimension and another dot in another dimension, the two cannot be joined and called a line. if it is called a line, then the line exists in a third dimension that has the two dots lying in that dimension simultaneously.. then that line cannot be part of the first dimension, only one of the dots is......looks like logic is an inherent part of things, but then nothing is invalid. everthing has been created as a form, and it has its own entelechy to fulfil or not (??). How come everything created does not go towards its own fulfilment. how come there are stalled ideas/creations/dispersed energies/uncompleted work? if elements generate by an impulse by an absolute presence, then how come the presence becomes not-present and there is no autogeneration from within the forms...anti-particle reactivity? how does this anti-particle thing work? Satan is apparent anti-particle, so must also be the 'anti-particle' itself...or is it an equal force to reckon with, the interaction of both forces creating the field for creativity and all else to show up?
if integrity of one dimension is to be maintained, then there are already 'other' things in a dimension? this does not tie with the 'one' thing (intricacies of the difference retaining the twoness, with perhaps the particle-antiparticle response creating the intricacies, with time and space providing the medium for palpability in a particular dimension. if an element of time and/or element of space is altered, it is another dimension). science and its discoveries now tie in with the thought chain.

Meristematic

"For Aristotle, matter is the undifferentiated primal element: it is rather that from which things develop than a thing in itself. The development of particular things from this germinal matter consists in differentiation, the acquiring of particular forms of which the knowable universe consists (cf. Formal cause). The perfection of the form of a thing is its entelechy in virtue of which it attains its fullest realization of function (De anima, ii. 2). Thus the entelechy of the body is the soul. The origin of the differentiation process is to be sought in a prime mover, i.e. pure form entirely separate from all matter, eternal, unchangeable, operating not by its own activity but by the impulse which its own absolute existence excites in matter."

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Dualities

Dualities - unconnected forms and realities from it. realities and illusions. real and manifestations as realities (illusions)
what is seen is a mere representation of an ideal, mere. Created out of available resources. Each resource in itself being mere representation of the ideal. So, perfect is yet to be, what is is the best of the lot - comparative.
logic and intuition are one and the same? Dualities exist???? night and day are perception-dependent. Presence of sunlight and absence is day and night. Things behave differently in the presence and absence of sunlight. Systems have evolved or adapted based on the sequence of events that happen in the presence or absence of sunlight. It is a duality out of behavioral, evident, functional, reasoned, conventional, differences. There are several other dualities (?!). Gender. logic/intuision. hot/cold. positive/negative. why is it so difficult to accept dualities as one entity..as one and the same? Because of the intricacies involved that differentiates the apparent two.
if it is all apparent two, then what communicates between the two if it is actually one? what is the need for communication with what is one. communication is between two? Commune is bringing together. when it is one, what to bring together? The senses have their limitations. What it senses is structually, functionally limited. It infers with the use of the brain which is again structurally and functionally limited, from being limited by space and time. What it senses it concludes to be as minimum two, with any thing and everything being another, so additions or multiples from two. Duality is necessary, or defaulted to make sense of the many, two being the basic most unit as per logical deduction. Again deduced using the limited resources of senses and brain. what is communication? Communication is a means of transferring data by bringing together what is perceived to be two. Like electricity passes between two wires for which the wires needs be brought together? why is communication required? But there are others (people, things). The struggle is with dealing with the intricacies that keep the apparent two, two. How to deal with the intricacies? can they be seen as one? The intricacies are the forms? like sand on a wet something (?) with each grain being a unique, form or a mere representation of the ideal (?). If so then who creates the original? the one? then how come there is variety of forms? because the one has created different forms at different instances. then how come everything is moving towards reaching it, and ending up with mere representations? why is there an apparent two? why is there a need for such intricacies? If one is creating and not creating waste, then how come things are representatives, not masterpieces? if everything is a masterpiece, which it is. things are the way they are. everything has something unique in it, a form, created. What is perceived to be waste is mere details, the form has been created, and is visible to the discerning. if everything is a form..form of the one. form is form, not a representative.
rules. entelechy.
whats data?
whats intellect?
what is purpose?
how is logic and intuition one?
what are rules?
LOgic always comes from or follows agreement. Accepted links are 'objective' and are called premises. When one is accepted and another and another is accepted, so 'this' is accepted. Once fixed as concluded by agreement, that can be fallen back on for the next structure to be created.
how do agreements come about? what is agreement? Sigmund freud  - psychoanalysis.

why is it difficult to incorporate a conclusion into routine conduct? Limitation of the senses, 'logical' incorporation of thought into patterns that give action. A concept does not become action. It needs to get incorporated into the system(s) and accepted and become one with the system for actions and result to show up.