Facets..

Light through a prism illuminates multiple facets depending on its angulation to the source of light, so also does an insight and the conversations with common elements.

just saying..

I want to communicate and be gotten. Im not so bad, my intentions are good. I just mess up sometimes...

intentions and results..

Good intentions. Faltering in minor all-too-important details and thus getting into sticky spots. Seem to have missed some vital class when everyone were being briefed about some code-password for being in sync with everything. I miss the cues even! Rue to think I used to pick nonverbal communication uncannily quick but decided to turn off my antenna when what was 'seen' and what people spoke insomuch words were poles apart. I want to turn on my antenna now but the circuit seems unfamiliar. Why do i have to keep making myself wrong and unlearn things only to find I was not so wrong and then have to relearn the very same things all over again, I wonder.

Morphing meanings..

Meaning of specific words drift. sockets hold variable links (may or may not be belonging to the definition of the word), thus making the meaning afloat and contexually modified. vagueness and 'at sea' feeling when the specific definition of a word is not consistently present, allowing for indefiniteness of the meaning conveyed. If analogized, a machine is made of definite parts, much like an activity comprises defined actions. If the machines components become jelly-like, the machine may never get built, much like if the actions are not definite because the specific terms that bring workability are not understood in the exact same meaning everytime, the activity may never really get accomplished the way it was originally meant to be. Volatility (amoebability??) of word definitions with passing time is the problem. Solution?

Judgments and evaluations..

Opinions (judgments/evaluations) like air is everywhere. Everything is shaped (instigated?) by it. Like it or hate it. It could be one other necessary evil like money....not 'necessary'..its just there, like earth made of sand, water of H2O. Its the material of thought.

in conscious action..

uncertainty. confusion. doubts. wary trust. right/wrong? good/bad? morality. smallness. little girl bewilderment. defensiveness. hidden 'knowing' with doubt of the knowing. muscle not built up to support that knowing in conscious action. weak will and strengthened disempowering convos. dump of charcoal on uncut carbon. dare not even to name with confidence. serious lack of muscles to support the core. None to blame. .afraid of damage caused/causing. games are bigger. untried. uncertain grounds. stakes are higher. steps have repercussions. willingness to deal with consequences, but the delicacy of matters, attention to the finest details, the delicate interconnections, irreparable damages any? doubt my own sensitiveness, best course of action?  list teh possible courses of action and gauge consequences. presumptions? unaware data? lack of training?   action and reaction. reaction guiding next action. swiftness. instincts. there is no right way. actions and actions.          whats the intention and what is getting created. whats the gap. actions. all else mere details. velocity? timeline. SMRs. My project(s). Willingness to jump out of skin.  this moment being better than the last. knowing the network that holds the knower and that which holds the IT. Inner outer world sync. too many things to remember. Gap. future in present. word actions. thought actions. actions. Gap. It is a lonesome journey. come alone go alone. whats in between? is it really alone? whatever is real does not look for reassurance. whatever isnt needs to know. what is real has elements in common. timeless. always at all times being watched, judged and evaluated. constantly. unrelentingly. inner and outer. mercilessly. no respite. There is no one out there watching over. No guardian angel. Totally exposed for everyone to see, in and out. Nothing belongs to u. u own nothing. u have zilch. Everything u do is magnified 100 times in impact and effect. the slightest movement has unmeasured magnitude.

Explore

Explore - whatever may be the ground conditions. Test - however may be the results apparent. Challenge the definitions - whatever may be the intricacies and connotations. Explore.

Lumps of clay ~ Kuan Tao-Shen

Take a lump of clay,
Wet it, pat it,
Make a statue of you
And a statue of me
Then shatter them, clatter them,
Add some water,
And break them and mold them
Into statue of you and a statue of me.
Then, in mine, there are bits of you
And in you there are bits of me.
Nothing ever shall keep us apart.

Lumps of clay ~ Kuan Tao-Shen

Take a lump of clay,
Wet it, pat it,
Make a statue of you
And a statue of me
Then shatter them, clatter them,
Add some water,
And break them and mold them
Into statue of you and a statue of me.
Then, in mine, there are bits of you
And in you there are bits of me.
Nothing ever shall keep us apart. - Kuan Tao-Shen

getting on track..

It was never between me and them anyway.

Too much time wasted in explanations. They make their own interpretations anyway.

Action-reaction

Prejudices. Evidences. Verification. Personal tests of reality. Reactivity. Suppression. Internal pressure. Bewilderment. Self-doubt. Desperation. Reassurance? Conclusions. Incompletion. Chain-reaction. Speculation. Gains/losses? Learnings. Experiements. Forebearance...and so on.

On control..

Control of possible future problems could itself become the problem, starting a chain of problems and control measures with solution interspersed in interesting ways; solutions to current problems and further control to avoid further possible problems. Control - the illusion - creating patterns that give rise to newer unpredicible problems, in some ways a catalyst for higher entropy.

Presence..

Im not present and im not present that im not present and to the extent that im not present im not listening, and im so much not present that im not even present to what extent im not present.

Presence..

"Im not present and im not present that im not present and to the extent that im not present im not listening, and im so much not present that im not even present to what extent im not present"  - a koen.

Defiance..

Defy me. Defy my definition of myself. Defy the definition that others seem to have made of me. I am that but im not only that.......... an hitherto unacknowledged trait making itself known in my evolution? The world wants to judge me for it? Be my guest!

Layers

Imperceptibly the impulse generated for onward movement has been at work...working through layers unbeknownst, either moving to the surface and onto the next layer or thinning the layers outside first inwards. Maybe an experiement in movement, experiement in layers, once this way, once another way, maybe alternatively having its own dynamics, confusing me with the variation and the inputs. Am i even supposed to make sense of it?
(thats a thread of thought captured on some scrap of paper.... some thought...donno what that leads to)

Me - my friend

A lot of things catch my attention these days. Thoughts run almost nonstop. Im more conscious of the choices i make, though not always. Making happier, uplifting, expandable choices, I noticed. I write words of 'not, cannot, not able to' and my mind says 'bring in you there, you say you cant? but you can!' Me says 'there are things to do, but x, y, x' and my mind says 'but?! learn to love the but! 'buts' are good, you need a but to challenge you, to offer resistence. How else would you train, go beyond and get better?!"  Love me!

round and flat characters..of 'Pride and Prejudice' origin

A pattern that made itself known recently. Pretty myopic. It is a tendency to see things through a small visual field, just enough to have the thing (particularly people) appear manageable and slottable into predefined slots, much like stereotyping people..this is of this type, this that, and then saying thats that, making them 'flat' characters' until he/she throws up a surprise which briefly has one wondering before it is conveniently forgotten until that surprise element shows up again. And when it does a couple more times, then the person gets slotted into another 'type.' The person in question of course would bristle if he/she knew the slotting happening, owing to an innate rebelion to be 'boxed' and labelled. Wonder if the 'there is more to me' response comes only in reaction to 'thats all there is to you.' There are all kinds of reactions. Intuitively i think everybody are 'round' characters, some pretending to be 'flat', but then maybe the roundness is revealed only when they are 'flatted'