Worlds

                                                            

As alien as i may continue to feel while learning the ways of the world(s) i inhabit - a world of information, a world of survival, a world of relationships built, but mostly my inner world and outer world forming 'my world' as a unit - and then my world interacting with the worlds of my fellow inhabitants, i seem to feel more expansive in my inner world, seeing more commons with perhaps the inner worlds of fellow inhabitants, not just people. My outer world and inner world conflict a lot of the times but cannot not see the validity of info that my inner world is picking up and then 'seeing' as the info is processed. It is the 'many' 'separate entities' 'plurality' of that populating my outer world that i have a bit of a struggle maneuvering with more than the stuff happening in my inner world. Feel a bit at odds with the different dynamics of the outer and inner world. I am sure it is not like riding two boats at once and know it is a matter of time before i see how the two interact. I just gotta wait it out.

Demons

Literature talks of energies sometimes occupying the human body, the absolution of which requires not rejection or resistance but compassion and acknowledgement of its own strength and presencing its strength for itself. When transliterated, the cliche, 'we have our own demons to deal with,' may not be any different from that of the 'dead souls' or 'ghosts' that are the subject of horror stories. Just like the horror stories usually having tormented souls that seek redemption, the demons in our own psyche need acknowledgement and appeasing, one after another. Question is the frame of mind when one is ready to face the demon in our mind's closet and see it for what it is and be willing to appease its distress.

Un'familiar'izing.

The sands have been sifting for a while now, more in a direction that has me see that it is for me to move and it is just my movement that will have anything work. There is not gonna be anyone proding, nurturing, encouraging. Support will come only if I compromise and dance in some manner to someone else's tune but that world will not have me in it, and it is too high a price to pay for too low a life.

My journey has seemed for sometime now a fight: A fight against conformity, compromise, attachment, enslavery, mindless monotony, stagnation, falling in line with the familiar that has been survived through to rags, persistence of dis-ease. My journey is to health. It is worth fighting for. And Life does find a way.

Life of the human mind..

Dynamics of human interactions. Flavorizing, color-blending, syntaxing and thus semanticizing. Creating interesting scripts; lending interesting definitions to characters. Layering, deepening, mystifying. Fascinating.

To catch the bull by its horns.

A way of being that has a willingness more than fear, an ‘iv had enough’ more than ‘what next,’ energy more than patience, action more than thought, here and now more than ‘consequences.’

The one that got away

The workings of the mind is pretty interesting. When someone seems to be breaking out of the mold, thinking original (?) and questioning the unquestioned beliefs, basically doing things out of the common milieu, much like the Indian crabs there is a clawing to pull that ‘aberrance’ back into the system. And then, when the aberrance continues in spite of the attempts to keep it in the mold, the system expects it to maintain form, expect a perfection of form perhaps more than what the aberration has reckoned, and the system gets angry/aggravated when the aberration does not maintain that expected form. A very interesting love it or hate it, almost endearing but also frustrating trait present in almost every, if not every system. Perhaps it is the ‘surface tension’ of systems at play to maintain its compactness and contributes to its stability in some way. Perhaps it the harmony-chaos cycle at work.

‘There is something fundamentally wrong.’

Wonder if wrong-doing and punishment has been wired into our psyche so much that what is possible can go only up to a certain point after which the ‘what is possible’ sphere needs to involute, consciously/unconsciously/subconsciously creating limits and boundaries and to put an effort at consciously thinking ‘beyond’ those limits.  Part of the difficulty in thinking beyond may be dealing with the wrong/punishment wiring that is so much part of the system. The wiring is so much evident in the language, and a whole lot of words derived from wrong/punishment - negative, backward, fail, bad, beat, etc.etc. It is much like there being the primary relationships (mother and father or people who come to represent their role/authority) and then all other relationships with people and things being a derivative of the primary in some manner. 

World in words

A world lies open to the one listening - a world that lies in the words, sequence of words, and between the words - woven from the fabric of the speaker/writer’s mind. Entropy and analysis and whatever else be kept aside. The uniqueness of the person is getting worded, if only one cares to listen.

In a league of your own..

"And of course there is nowhere to hide at mile 25 of an Ironman run!" - Anuradha Vaidyanathan

Interesting how she notes when one is in a league of their own, there is nowhere to hide; directly alluding to the human tendency to not view each one as unique and to the tendency for seeking acceptance and belongingness.

Words - limit and liberation

The pull towards the whirlpool of confusion and directionlessness thereof, as in a sense of being lost, is the sometimes limiting need to put things in words. Once distinguished, the apt words opens up pathways and shears through confusions and dilemmas while when undistinguished, words lead to confusion and directionlessness, the latter of which is perhaps the reason for my earlier aversion to words and for thinking of them to be necessary evil.


If so, what determines the readiness to use words that opens pathways vs otherwise? Guess written and thought words have their own pace to discern which is which, just as the person has a pace at which learning when to do what is discerned, and it may perhaps be on a kind of universal developmental scale of learning. And the scale may have an in vs out, expressed vs unexpressed, giving vs receiving, action vs inaction, noise vs silence, distinguishing vs retrospection, etc, parameters to determine who is at what level.

Rose is a rose is a rose-

There is benefit in movement as well as in standing still. Neither benefits are worth being compensated by anything, nor replaced by apparent alternatives. A form is a form is a form. (read, Plato's Form)

Insights (duh)

Nothing is invalid. There is nothing called nonsense.

Ranges - the minus 0, maybe minus 10 to maybe plus 10, within the range is taken into account the defining lines, the wider the range, the more defined the d.lines.
Feel like an octopus with magnetic tentacles.

A disadvantage of knowledge is possible lack of spontaneity and prejudice precluding the range of first-impressionables.

Experience and knowledge - where is the bridge between the two learning systems?

When the expectations are not well defined, the brain goes really weird trying to figure out the expectations, maybe even covering bases which would never have been possibly cohjured otherwise; call it being on redalert. Uncertainty unlocks something.

Weird us (humans)..

As people, we are weird. We laugh when we want to cry, we show anger when it is meant to be love, we derile when it is appreciation, we laugh when embarrased, ...say we when it is I. Safety in group than to be singled. Prefer to be invisible but rant and rave about wanting individual voice be heard. Those that do shake off the mediocrity and pseudosecurity of groups is still left to deal with what it means to stand alone, juggling want to stand for an ideal vs seeking the support (??) available (??) in groups. No one really knows the 'right' thing. To each his own truth. To each his own prime directive. Stood by undetered, the measly spineless thread of thought leads to nirvana. Strength comes from constant exercise of it, from research, from inquiry and openess to test and be tested. It is a choice of how one wants to live ones life. It is about character.

Dualities (2)

Teaching and learning - no duality there. Just awareness, distinction of constituents/compositions. Teaching is learning.

Life does not have parts. Office is not part of my life. Friends, family, hobbies, goals, personas/personalities, people are not part of my life. They (It) is my life. They - sounds like many individual things, and together is much. Dont have many things to manage. Just one life. Simple and complex is somehow blurring its boundary lines.

On awareness, simplicity/complexity of things..

(A rambling wanting-to-make-sense-of-things writing that i saved up to read again ..in hopes of making more sense..or find deeper meanings. Thought better saved on this blog than somewhere else and then forgotten)

There is so much i get aware of these days, so much wonder evokes at what i see, hear, sense. It is as if i had never lived, just born in some way very recently. whatever happened in all these years? had i not seen, or what i see now was not at a level that my eye (internal and external) could see?

wonder whatever is distance then, if all there is is just here and now. distance from where? from when the color was recognized to when the form is recognized to recognizing (or is it just awareness more than recognition, where something that became awared is then seen again to be recognized?) that form is just an interpretation just as the color is, that what is is just what is, with a name given to it from the mind intervening and labeling, so have i covered a distance, when the first color became aware and now come to the same sense of there just being whatever it is, and a label. So is distinguishing things after having formed something that is the distance covered? the distance from the first awareness, to the full picture seen and then distinguished into constituent parts? Wonder in that sense if we really 'move', i.e. the baby gets aware of the world, and then learns to label things, and then form patterns and get it complex, until it is all caught up in its complexity that it figues things in its own way until it is very simple as an awareness, which is where it first was when it started. what difference now as an adult? any distance covered? still figuring out how to live, what purpose, what best way to be happy, to be free, creating and then wondering how to create, how to be stress-free?!!, how to have fun, money, power, status, fame, hardwork, strategy, ..and still wanting to have a fun while holding on to interpreted means to get the most simple things in life.  searching for it outside while all along its is right there where one is..only having to go the whole roller coster to discover that what is sought is right where one is. is there some manufactuiring defect that we are designed to see outside and go after things to discover what is right under ones nose? the whole circus of life to find what is right under ones nose! happiness, peace, fun, creativity, power, key to life-work-everything, the might and strength to rule the world,  to alter reality, have the world at ones command, all under ones own nose, but do the monkey , circus act to get them, be the donkey after the carrot, be pushed, beaten, dogged, hardworked, stress, strain, fatigue, suffering to get what is right under ones nose. manufacturing defect! The creator, if there is one who manufactures this whose puppet thing needs to add one additional feature in the model,.... cant think of a single thing that this puppet doesnt have, but still it goes round and round chasing its own tail.    Why cant we just be? is it because there is so many features, so many sophisticated tools that the simplest things cant be gotten? the system is go geared for complexity! right from the first unicellular organism starts the process of complexifying things, greater functionality, adaptation, multifunctionality to on and on...complexifying things. now it is the brain at it, complex games, multitasking, use of sense organs in complex ways, intuition to add to the complexifying machinary. getting the system to be so tense, intense, until the next species or organism or whatever evolves that makes all the high-end functionality of the previous one, child's play, and it starts its own means to make things complex at its level. there is really no point to fighting it. the system is designed for complexity. it is made from really simple things, all common simple things (elemental). What of these elements and in how many ways can one use? it is all mere creation.. all mere resources. child's play. the created becomes the creator..and onto complex things. the most complex things also have the same simple elements. There is enough to keep everyone, at every level entertained. It is really a master creche to have fun. Born to have fun. What games do you want to play? You win at whatever game u play, whatever, always. The world is really at ur feet and for ur taking.

Freedom of choice..

I just love ranges.... 0 to 10, least to max, base pitch to octaves, minus to extreme positive. They are dualities too, but they are ranges to be experienced, not quite understandable conceptually or gotten intellectually..needs to be experienced..i guess.

Stuck in rules and expectations (meet them...trying to meet them...or rebeling and so not meeting them, but nevertheless playing within the gammut of expectations and rules). Im stuck in them. Cant paint my own stuff, play whatever i may want to think of as music, write whatever i want, do whatever i want..without bumping against some preset/preconditioned expectations. It is like a default encoded something that just keeps going on and on, and if im not present to it, i could go on for days on end like a machine (no thought, no nothing)..like a machine..eat at a particyular time, sleep at a particular time, brush in morning, .everything has a preset time and slot....no need to think..it is so automaton-like. HAVE to wash up after eating, have to brush, have to ...everything. Unless i know what it is not to, and how it feels not to, it is not my choice at all, just a mechanical rut ingrained into me by upbringing (because someone asked me to do, but have no real clue except as a concept..and intellectualized..as to why i should. Not because i FEEL dirty and so, or because i am hungry,... not much is my choice but a handed down set of 'dos'). ....so the point is, i dont really know the range of things in an experiential domain. This may sound pretty dumb, but it seems like i dont really know how to be free.

Dualities...illusions? (1)

How high you go depends on how deep you are.

One

In the end they all seem to boil down to the same things, just different facets of the same thing(s)....and yes, as it is in the macrocosm, so it is in the microcosm.

Acceptance..

Everyone, each and everyone, is a minority in themselves. Alone, unique in his/her own way and wanting (searching??) for more of the same kind, to feel a bond of acceptance, comradeship, of not having to fight to be oneself, to be cool doing the things accepted (even if by just one other person). Once that kernel of approval comes through, then it is a matter of time before the same action/expression is repeated and developed and overtime allowed to blossom into whatever it could possibly become (maybe larger than oneself, have a life of its own, and have a following with mimicers/critics/students, the whole works).

Random thoughts linked. Again, is random really so random? Maybe nothing is really 'nonsense.'

Can the moment be not savored in all its flavors, see the colors inherent, sense the depths, experience the width and space...savor the moment before choosing where to go next with peace right here and now and not to be sought at the end of it? Can it all not be gotten with velocity, the distance and the moments' fullness all as if in a flash, in toto...or the moment's fullness in toto in a flash even while speeding towards what needs be gotten to? If it is realms to be experienced to have access to the domain that creates realms, then velocity in the milestones, connections, and movements needs be consistent to do that which needs be done.

What if it all comes to that what needs be done is not out there but where i could get to? Would perfection that i resist then be gotten as an experience? what then? what lies beyond 'perfection'? Monotony is boring. is it then Jonathan's next world? Is it all gonna be experienced as an illusion? the limitation of the senses limiting what could be possible, creating the illusion of the limit? Will it all be experienced, as there being more than the senses? the - range of the senses and the whole range of unnamed/undiscovered senses? .. the things that brings everything together in a continous steam of consciousness? Would that be the other side of darkness ? (.)