On selfishness..

While everyone ultimately does things for their own benefit, and everything is for a very selfish reason, why is it difficult to admit that it is so? Why is being selfish defaulted into the 'bad' basket? Upbringing? indoctrination of presumed/imbibed morality? misplaced loyalty? misunderstood value system? kafkaisc existential confusion leading to seek guidance from sources external, and thereby external sources' own selfishness dictating/propagating that others (themselves) is more important than oneself (you)? a Darwinian survival tactic propagated by the dominant, creating a hierarchy that ensures survival of fittest propagator in that order? a reliance on sensory input sans insight in interpreting whatever happens in the world outside oneself? blind acceptance(reception) of things without awareness of that accepted?

Why express at all? This is why..

Wording defines, crystalizes, and allows for sequencing a line of thought. Medium of expression similarly 'freezes' a feeling/thought/sensation/experience, wherever be it in within the +/-0-10+/- range of the 5-sense system of receptiveness.

just saying..

It is difficult to be sane amidst kafkaiscally insane happenings!

multipersoned??.... or multiheadable polymorphability...or just meristeming?

It is strange to be a child, adult and parent ...and a horde of people ... rolled up into one body. Not multiple personalities,...but more like multiple facets of a round crystal with whatever surface faces the light of consciousness (or unconsciousness) showing up that aspect (or person-type within me??). Seems like the thought lines which started off as compartmentalized thoughtlines, has now become character types by themselves (one compartment - one character/thought trait). ...its scary. I may be right now creating personas by defining the vague volatile thought line...literally creating worlds (people within my head) just by virtue of wording it.  Scatterbrained? With the "word creates the world' ideology (or is it just an idea? I dont think so...being the meaning-making machines we human beings are)...i dont think im scatterbrained anymore...just capable of scaring myself!

Sensing..

There is much happening in non-verbal communication! It is a whole world in itself. Silence is not so silent, that of course I 'understood' from 'Silence speaks louder than words' but did not quite get the stratas, colors, sounds, ..and I suspect a horde of unnamed somethings that perhaps I dont have the vocabulary for or dont know to categorize into the 5-sense system (if at all sensing can be put into a range of +/- 0 to +/-10 where - is the silence range and + being the labeled sense range). I sometimes suspect there are more sense organs than just 5. Maybe the 6th sense is the 'antenna,' the intuitive sensing system. There may be more, just not labeled, I guess. (Medical professionals are still researching on the body and discovering, or maybe they have touched upon other senses but just not 'text-booked' them yet)..speculations!

Just saying..

Everybody and their grandmother have an opinion!

On completion.

It feels good to have accomplished something. Its a sigh of relief, somethings got completed, the whats-next feeling, one thing less to think about, it is like the speed available from closing one window that was just one more amongst many others when the computer was getting slow from all the open windows.

So..onto the next one!

Lost and found..

Putting in the seed

                        Robert Frost

You come to fetch me from my work to-night

When supper's on the table, and we'll see

If I can leave off burying the white

Soft petals fallen from the apple tree

(Soft petals, yes, but not so barren quite,

Mingled with these, smooth bean and wrinkled pea);

And go along with you ere you lose sight

Of what you came for and become like me,

Slave to a Springtime passion for the earth.

How Love burns through the Putting in the Seed

On through the watching for that early birth

When, just as the soil tarnishes with weed,

The sturdy seedling with arched body comes

Shouldering its way and shedding the earth crumbs

************************************************************

Character 

                        R.W.Emerson

The sun set, but set not his hope:

Stars rose; his faith was earlier up:

Fixed on the enormous galaxy,

Deeper and older seemed his eye;

And matched his sufferance sublime

The taciturnity of time.

He spoke, and words more soft than rain

Brought the Age of Gold again:

His action won such reverence sweet

As hid all measure of the feat.

****************************************

Brahma 

                        R.W.Emerson

  If the red slayer think he slays,

Or if the slain think he is slain,

They know not well the subtle ways

I keep, and pass, and turn again.

Far or forgot to me is near;

Shadow and sunlight are the same;

The vanished gods to me appear;

And one to me are shame and fame.

They reckon ill who leave me out;

When me they fly, I am the wings;

I am the doubter and the doubt,

And I the hymn the Brahmin sings.

The strong gods pine for my abode,

And pine in vain the sacred Seven;

But thou, meek lover of the good!

Find me, and turn thy back on heaven

Memories..

While waves of thought ebb and flow, memories vaguely remembered surface. They tantalize with a vague sound, a barely remembered image, or a word. Much like an interesting colored thread that invites following its length through a pattern of knit-work, it invites following its vein, to reexperience whatever it held that made it worth remembering.

Rain..

Waiting for the rain of change to come...to wash away the stagnation in nooks and crevices, to pitter-patter over smothered silences, frayed nerves, resigned dinginess. To spray its coolness on heated emotions and have its waters flow over parched unnaturality. To suffuse insides and outsides with its moist freshness, bathe and soothe Nature with its cleansing emolient. To gurgle merrily along gloomy pathways, make puddles where the 'prim and propah' hold themselves in rigid nerve-tensing sophistication. Remind life again of its unicellar origins so its primal roots connects back to its water-based origins and suck life into its veins and arteries and rejuvinate its being. Water - the elixir of life.

Spirited..

Little flashes of spirited life in unexpected places, faces. Age can never be guessed - seems like a joke by some fun-mongerer - a very old soul in a very young body, an old body with a heart that just forgot to grow up, an antenna for unique unheard of things in an otherwise zombie-like countenance, a rat that keeps hovering around shadows but scribbles profound things on little scraps of paper....

Little flashes of spirited 'life.' Somehow it peeks out at odd moments, and of late see it in just about everyone. If looked at long enough (human - any human!), there would be a little flash of something unusual, something more than fresh, donno to describe it yet...alive, spirited (repeating myself but my vocabulary feels so deficient,..again :-(

Existensory angst..

First baby but not-so-baby step in creating a new reality. Anxiety, anticipation, trepidation, self-doubt, ..and a nameless other feelings coming up at random. Have I done the best possible thing? Have I made a wise choice? How is it all going to turn out to be? Will it be anything like expected? Will I realize the intentions? Will it all be constructive? Will I be a better person? Quality of life? Will I be able to make a difference? Will the baggage be lighter? Will there be velocity? Harmony?

How am I faring thus far? Is there some compass? If so, how does one always work with the compass when there are so many 'guiding' thought lines around? Will there be moments of total clarity and sustained long enough to have velocity in realizing intentions? What would it take to maintain momentum?

Currents..

Is it just my imagination that when one mode of exploration begins, it gravitates the explorer into further exploring it, depending on the intensity of the inquiry? Like when im repelling words and wanting to know whats in between words, the things in between seem to speak louder, making me want to repel words even more...and if i touch upon the worded 'current', the current pulls forth more words, and silences the silences. My imagination this? Donno...but they seem to be strong currents nevertheless.

Trust..

"I dont trust you and am suspicious of everything you do that is somehow connected to me/what i do" - an instinctive, on-alert-for system that is programmed to start a response/chain of responses consistent with the level of 'alarm' bells that go off when respective criterias are met with for the specific alarm to go off.

Suspicion - Iv been pretty resistant of this. Unthinkingly bracketed it off as 'bad' quality, that it poisons existing systems and breeds all those negative emotions that ultimately kills whatever is beautiful, or so i thought. On thinking of negative vs positive at various times, I am now quite convinced that negative is just the absence of positive, rather like the other end of a scale like 0 to 10 where 0 is 'less' and 10 is 'most'. However I rate my response to something on the scale, I am still connected to the 'thing' by my being ratable on the scale. Indifference is the only thing that frees/detaches me from the whole thing. Coming to the current topic, suspicion then is not 'bad,' but the absence of something. Maybe my system is telling me something that i blatantly ignore because I have put the whole alarm into the 'bad' basket, and as long as i ignore what my system is telling me, i will never be able to see what i am missing and so never quite able to 'trust' - that one thing that allows for acceptance and connectedness and 'tenselessness' and maybe to just 'be/let be.'

(ah! how many lines of thought have i touched upon just in this one paragraph and vaguely made a point but still left so much unsaid and to be thought about! ..and thats just being my quirky dear self)

Strange tidings..

Deafening silence with words for if not the silence will be so loud that anything weaker will fall apart. Within the world filled with words is another which needs no words for exploration and it needs a strong force of silence to pierce the shield...shielded by a constantly plying words perhaps.

On defiance..

Defiance is not anybody's veted power (?). Every body exercise it within the limits of their own cages, in subtle or not so subtle ways. If only that spark can be recognized, not by the cage imposer but by the liberator or fellow liberation seeker (?), that comradeship is enough to alter reality. Does it really require fellowmen? Will it suffice, like the scripturally religious believe in an omnipresent invisible god, to believe there to be a platoon of fellow men or an everpresent change-catalyzing something egging to bring about the change and hence keeping the sacred flame of defiance alive?

Offended..

U can tell underlying currents. You can tell a spy. You can tell a vigilence. It is in the slices. Hate them nevertheless. They do not really know nevertheless.

Drops of wisdom..

The river is formed from brooks, rivulets, and stream from far and near. Now having become the river, does it matter which drop came from which rivulet? Having now formed the river, does the drop not now have the essense of the rivulet and hence does the drop be any less than another or more?

On authenticity..

It is always a pleasure to watch someone genuinely inquiring/exploring a line of thought or whatever. Authenticity has its own innocent beguiling simplicity - easy to connect with, be one with more than just empathize. Perhaps those are moments when the brain forgets to judge and evaluate, and find it easy to just experience. Is authenticity a quality more centered in the right brain, i wonder.

Feldenkrais

FeldonKrais - one another vein of thought that proceeds from getting in touch with the baby-ness in each that learned ways to move with available/realized resources in the new space it found itself that people call Earth. Again, along with it, comes the hint of something that is not apparent but everpresent that holds it all in place. Got just a sense of it while the session lasted - just a tantalizing sense of liberty, of self-sufficiency yet with connectedness and of unlimited everexpandable space - just a hint, and then the instruction/suggestion that that is to be explored, 'be in the inquiry.' While one part of me seeks answers (ready made answers, maybe, the lazy bum that i am) and the other that acts up with 'you dont tell me what to do' in defiance of being treated like an idiot!

Inquiry is a nice space to be in...it kinda strikes the balance between the two frictionables with creating just enough charge to keep me inquisitive. Velocity would be nice! (God give me patience..and I WANT IT NOW!)

Out of it!

On off. Is there, is not there. Available, not available. Clear, unclear. Blaah. Im just gonna do my own thing. Let the world sort itself!

Renaissance..?

Wonder if there is a small trickle of life moving from small crevices - life shaking free from its artificial habitats, moving unnoticed but every so often at unexpected moments in little spurts making revealing its presence, in a little defiance? in playful glee? in spunk of its own nature? Wonder if this trickle is also forming a brook somewhere just as unnoticed...if maybe a renaissance is in the coming...a renaissance of life reasserting itself.

Response..

I have been cooled by the sun. Air-conditioned skin shriveling in artificial lighting and venting, kept moist and elastic with creams and lotions, strangely felt cool, wet almost when touched by sunlight. While we go about working to keep our livelihood and chase dreams, natural somehow manage to become artificial and artificial, natural and then it is a marvel in itself to be able to distinguish which is which! Life, in the sense of that curious, exploring thing impacted by the panchabhootas, nevertheless knows when it finds its own space. Maybe thats why people still call it 'nature.'

Being..

Strange, or maybe not so strange, that the first spurts of fresh new life is kind of in pastel colors, and with vigor comes those bright almost intense (crisp) colors. Blending gives it a softer, warmer feel and somehow makes it fuller. Guess this is not just about colors but also a metaphor to life.

Guess having a delicate, fragile, vulnerable side with a daring, ready to jump out of skin, energy is not really having a split personality but just the two sides of the same coin - holding each other in balance and hence one.

I wanna capture..

Wanna get a grip on the intangible, amorphous, the things that comes into being within the speed of lightening. To capture (freeze?) the things that the mind sees in the flash of an insight. Words are too slow and few to 'bracket' all of them in definitions.

Learning..

I suppose learning happens more when whatever one comes across is absorbed (whatever the 'container' of body/mind can hold..and in whatever quality it is prepared/ready to hold) than when tried to understand something as 'out there' as perhaps a concept. When the truth can be located within oneself, then no matter how trivial the learning, it stays, since it is then owned, though maybe not really 'understood.'

Life showing up..curious kinds..

Interesting things happening of late in my spaces. Strange differenty alive people showing up. Were they always there? Hadnt i noticed them? or hadnt i noticed that people already are differently alive? Hadnt i noticed that i am differently alive within? Hadnt that been ok before which now it perhaps is..and my spaces reinforcing that okayness, thereby allowing me to see what i hadnt seen before? Interpretations!!

Linked..

Feel like I am a part of a chain that has been there since time immemorial... along chain of timeless values, some kind of tradition, something binding yet liberating all at once, and perhaps hence well supported though not in any tangible way yet more strongly than if it had been. Oh wait, not there yet, pretty close, the current is heard, sensed even, but not there yet...

Tazer effect??

Feel like a spring that is not a shock absorber and refuses to take the shock!

Evolution

Maybe evolution is, by addition or deletion, something being better than it was a moment before. It has nothing to do with the dualities of right/wrong, good/bad, beautiful/ugly - all of them merely being perceptions. I could be crueler now than I was a moment before and have evolved in that sense. It must be the discipline of thought that makes evolution visible/significant....and perhaps just about always in hindsight.