Patterns

much resistance.. so much of past sitting out there in the future giving my present. reminds of the marathon i was running sometime back. the resistance and perceptions all my own and tearing it through i did run. and how! With such practise i should be able to go pretty far. guess the practise has slackened or the resistance level has slackened or the want to run has gone down or the scenery has gotten more appealing than the goal or the thought of being different and unique (abnormal) and having to fight it allover again is slowing me down or the meaning of what the past had represented and the fight through has been interpretted in a disempowering way that decisions made along the way is now constraining me to run a similar track. the experience and discoveries on the past run being priceless, the decisions still holded onto. ignoring does no good. the ostrich does a good job of it in the mud, and gets eaten. .... stuff from the past, undealt with, bringing all incomplete stuff relived constraining me in the present. next crocodile is just resurfacing. breakdown and breakthrough is in the language. whats so and the integrity of whats so oand the learning and fun through it is only what is real...and it is all a choice.
there is only the future I am living into. there is no past. past exists only in language and so does future. there is only the present and the future one is living into, and the future is the next moment , call it second, minute, hour, day, week, whatever blaah. time exists only in language with symbols as structures to keep its existence in place, it is called a clock. things are complexly simple, a conglomeration of simple things, as can be observed in the very chemical constitution of things around with physics holding them in place. simple forces arranged in certain ways. Four unique arrangements identified as distinct, as basic variations and so categoriezed as 4 types. simple elements arranged in varied ways to form 'simple' and 'complex' things. someone called one simple and another more intricate in arrangement as complex. (blah blah... too defensive and eager to invalidate so nothing should be thought through to completion. one too many open windows and the system is sleeping, unable to process anyting further...if that is not blah. the identity's patterns are too obvious not to be recognized at the very incipient stage, but then it is the identity that knows it first and the first to fool the brain not to recognize..Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde indeed). the identity is at play since morning pulling out all stops to restrict. a timetable would be of help. any lapse in the schedule it should be the work of 'it'. the number of things left out not done at the end of the day should say the number of times it was at play and number of time it was conquered. only you can remember to follow the timeline, it will hate it. if it gets smarter, the timeline is still met, things would move be it the work of it or not. the next foreseeable would be quality of work in each item. that bridge will be crossed when i come to it. remember to make the timeline. it is smart and will find a loop through this too, the things done and not done will still speak for itself.
there is a pattern in the apparent haywiredness. a moment of beauty followed by junk and then the self reasserts again and then down, like a cycle. there is so much that the self can tolerate, and then the monotony of it brings back some nonsensing. wonder if the subconscous is aware of this pattern (it is now!) and if so there could be derivable info from the patterning and dismantling, things which cant be otherwise caught, much like a breakdown calls forth closer look and reforming and creation, and using the energy thereof for constructive purposes, this nonsense phase must be hiding something to be discovered in retrospect. too clever this identity, runnign a racket for sure but it has its merits unrevealed.