To hold the sacred flame of madness mindfully

Alone in a space - a loft perhaps - a thought raised its head wanting to think it's way through the humdrum around that seems pretty meaningless unless made sense of, and how else to do that than to put 2 n 2 together? If it holds any water and it makes sense, then put another few Lego pieces together and see if it makes sense. Burning somewhere is a topic that knows no beginning or end but burn it does; like there cannot be smoke without fire, wherefrom this fire. Now that it is here, that which fans this alive must tell of its nature, ay? A toss, a turn, a skip, a churn, in search of its lyre, I find a little cove that might as well be the kind of rabbit hole that Mr.Rabbit went into at the start of Alice's journey into Wonderland. Rest is herstory.

Happyness

I am faced with a strange conundrum: I AM happy but how do I 'be' happy? 'Be' is a verb in the present tense, grammatically speaking I suppose. Does 'doing happy things' have one 'be' happy? Then how about a doctor? He/she treats people who have injuries and are sometimes in pain and in all kinds of emotions. What would have a doctor 'be' happy when he/she is treating such people? The joy that he/she is doing something to heal/cure them of their ailment? How about having to cut through something like burnt skin or scars that are infected and seeping fluid? That requires great love along with the joy that only doctors would know who are actually doctoring an ailment. Somebody who goes through the motions of treating would not know this joy. I go through stuff with/by/for people because it is part of what is required to heal/cure, and it is not all smilable stuff; it hurts and brings up all kinds of emotions that I have not seen the sublime versions of, that essentially are various forms of love, I thought, but various forms of joy? I suppose one can BE happy as a present tense verb with sufficient practice, or perhaps the phrase is 'with sufficient cooking in the emotions until joy emerges as the essence' like the oil that separates once ginger-garlic-tomato is sufficiently fried. Happyness is then quite a sublime thing too, at least now for me theoretically. Will Spaces it once I discover the experience of it.

Shalom

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Meristem

An In-between

In a bit of curling up underground space. Stuff to mature in the mind/intellect/spirit's brewery and somethings cannot be hurried but then there are also things that need to be done - one step ahead of the other as the activities of daily living is to continue meanwhile, not somehow anyhow but meeting certain quality standards. I cant seem to find a space good enough to be active AND passive in except in my self and I seem to be having some adjustment issues with that. It is not so much about the extraordinariness of it as much as it is about the lack of ordinariness. It takes some getting used to; perhaps a bit of in and out until the ordinary can be appreciated in the extraordinary and the extraordinary can be appreciated further in the ordinary until perhaps I can be comfortable in this leg of my journey. The new certainly needs some getting used to. Spaces!

Wording things through

I have been talking - earlier with people and when the supply of listeners somehow diffused, to myself and when that got a little limited in variety, with anything and everything that can be spoken to. At first in words to people and when the listeners gave odd looks, in my head to anything and everything. People love labels. I'm sure they have labels for people who do this. They label everything and if they can't find one, create one! I know I do, and I am just one of the species!

I word. I word through things and make sense of the world and everything around and thereby (and in spite of) discover myself, what I am and what I am capable of and the world I live in. Quite meristematic actually.

My limitation is when I don't word. I guess I get boxed into another persons thinking/limitations given by the limit in their scope of logic...and I feel boxed in. Suffocating, like an expanding balloon cramped up into a limited space box. I just want to burst out of the box without actually bursting myself or bursting the box (burst, as in pop out of it)!

Wordingthrough - that's one of the keys to my liberation!

Recognition

I don't have a problem. I have 2 energy-parasites in the environment I spend most of my work time in.

Trip-up'd

I thought I was growing up to be the woman I was meant to be - the woman I am deep inside. Turns out that all it takes is the next trip-up to flip out and be catty (catty? me?!)  and ranting and raving like a child, not even a girl (which somwhow seems more mature than a child right now). I type about this here coz I think it is not just me; that anybody's next stage in development is just the next trip-up away, coz that trip-up happened because I had not really foreseen that or had any experience of in my entire repertoire of experiences.

What happened? I may have encountered a more complex, if not a more-than-everyday sort of complex character, and thought I had seen quite a few though I knew not all that there is. It is reassuring to know that I was right about there being more kinds (duh), only I hadnt been thinking in those terms since some time - being plateau'd with more or less several kinds with awe being a constant presence in my life with the work I do - that my emotional reaction did not register enough to be pondered in depth! Maybe I have been having quite a time with my emotions since some time that my emotional bandwidth is a bit plateau'd...and that is saying a lot.

Emotional bandwidth plateau - another space a person (me) could be in.