Musings...awe (teddy-bear snugglyness)

I was sifting through my blogs and realized i been 'musing' in odd scraps of paper and notepads and creating other blogs..and all just to voice out and give expression to the awe, bewilderment, anxiety, joy and umpteen other emotions and observations, and to capture a 'shooting star' as it were that flashed in the sky of my awareness, and to sort of point it out to anyone and everyone who would listen "look at that" "did you see it?" "awesome." And then I thought I have this old teddy bear of a blog space that I have also named Spaces (conveniently) to voice and capture all of that. It feels like coming back and snuggling up to my ragged teddy bear as a child ( only I dint ever have a ragged favorite teddy bear as a child), but this must be how a child feels that has one, I guess. Sigh (and smiles).

Mind's laboratory

..is where it is still safe to play out thoughts and examine things and put two and two together in all quirky ways and see what happens. It is not so much like in the presence of an intelligence as much as in the space where such activity could be done and be ok without bouncing off an opinion or judgment - that will be there later, but before that a space to figure things out, to let imagination have its playtime.

On trust and truth

Im addicted to analysis..and to asking questions. Why, what, how, where, when.. why mostly. I want to get to the depth of things. The truth of the matter. Whats at the bottomline. Whats the undercurrent..all to be discovered by questioning. I need to get to that which is not apparent to be able to trust - trust people, situations, systems. To trust myself to take action from knowing that it is based on getting to the heart of the matter. The urge to know that truth at the core of it all is so important to me. Wonder if it is a universal thing (dont want to end up thinking im That unique). Maybe people really want to know the truth of things. Maybe people are cynical and mistrustful of what they see around them and of what they sense with their limited sensing hardware (read 5 senses) and need to see beyond the apparent into the very heart of the matter. Or is it just me?..and i dont think theres anythng wrong with wanting to get to the bottomline. Thats just the way I am, and I like me for being me.

Just for the records

On taking stock of whats there on my board today, there are the things i had been working on - vocabulary learning, phonetics, cognitive trainings, sketching, my take home from the stuff learned from people i have interacted with, my hopes, my struggles, things that people have chosen to leave with me, me, and the whole world with whatever it has to offer, which is quite a lot i fathom from my vantage point as of today. I also have the space for my simple likes and dislikes, for my silliness, quite naive mistakes, unpolished even crude mannerisms that i feel ok going through. Feel human in a way that i have watched other people being but could not allow me to be or think of me as being, or to think that these are the movements through which every child goes through on its way to learning something worthwhile; that i could be going through similar motions en route did not occur to me until now. Being human.

Worlds

                                                            

As alien as i may continue to feel while learning the ways of the world(s) i inhabit - a world of information, a world of survival, a world of relationships built, but mostly my inner world and outer world forming 'my world' as a unit - and then my world interacting with the worlds of my fellow inhabitants, i seem to feel more expansive in my inner world, seeing more commons with perhaps the inner worlds of fellow inhabitants, not just people. My outer world and inner world conflict a lot of the times but cannot not see the validity of info that my inner world is picking up and then 'seeing' as the info is processed. It is the 'many' 'separate entities' 'plurality' of that populating my outer world that i have a bit of a struggle maneuvering with more than the stuff happening in my inner world. Feel a bit at odds with the different dynamics of the outer and inner world. I am sure it is not like riding two boats at once and know it is a matter of time before i see how the two interact. I just gotta wait it out.

Body music

Heart sang again today. At some level, I let the music come out…or maybe the music was just of such intensity that it nudged against my resistance enough to have it ease up enough to let it through. 

Emotionally me!

The thought is gaining strength perhaps that anger needs expression in its own intensity, just as love (to the extent that is an emotion), fear, sadness needs to. There is an energy about it which when not expressed somehow gets converted to something else that is not so healthy. There otherwise needs to be an alchemy of the emotion into something equivalent, mostly likely keeping in mind that it is this particular emotion which is being alchemied for it to be converted/expressed honorably/healthily.